Fearlessly Fearful
by angelisis7
Summary: What you think is the truth, doesn't mean it is... Jasper/Bella Pairing.  Human/Vampire - but other than that, nothing even close to the book. Some pairings will remain the same...
1. Panicked

**Fearlessly Fearful **

Long ass author's note…

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing."

This is Bella's story, but of course, I won't keep the Cowboy from having his time either. (Don't get me wrong, I like SM's Twilight, with Edward and Bella together, but, for fanfiction, I really do prefer Jasper and Bella together…)

I have no idea where this story is going or how long it will be, it popped into my head, so I will see where it takes me. I won't be updating this one much right now, because I am currently reworking Broken which is now ReBroken…

This story will not be happily ever after from start to finish, will there be a happily ever after, maybe, but, you will have to take the ride with me, to find out. (For those who read me, most know I don't do fluffy happiness, it just isn't me, but that isn't to say I don't like a little fluff now and then…)

Would love to know what you think, reviews are the best way to do that!

**Prologue – Panicked **

As I stood next to the waterfall, looking at the beauty that is Mother Nature, what should have been a calming experience, which had always been calming before, was now anything of the sort.

My thoughts assaulted me; they started slow, but picked up speed.

It was like being drug back through time…

I remembered many things from my childhood, some bad, some good and some great and some that were hard to think about.

It had always been me and my dad, she, the woman who for all intents and purposes, donated a womb, left when I was young. I'd heard stories, none of them flattering, most making me wonder how anyone could be that cold, but she was, is…

There were others in my life, my grandparents, uncles and aunts, but, for as long as I could remember, she was always absent.

When I was young, it didn't bother me as much, how could it, I didn't really know what I was missing, but as I grew older, I'd see other kids with their mom's, I'd see the things they do with their kids and that innate love that was suppose to be a mothers love. Yet, I didn't know it, had never felt it and that hurt, it left me bitter and jaded…

I was four, playing with the neighbors kids, I'd played with them numerous times before, but today, something felt different, something felt wrong – I can't tell you how my childish mind knew, it 'Just' was –

It started innocent enough, Skylar - wanted to play hide and seek – I was four or five at the time, she was a year or two older than me and her brother Mike a few years older than her, my memory is a little foggy, but I believe he was eleven or twelve.

She began counting and Mike and I ran off to hide, we were in my grandparent's house, downstairs, she was upstairs…

Mike suggested we hide in the unplugged freezer, I figured in my innocence that it was a good idea; he lifted me in and followed moments later.

We sat there in the dark, in silence, waiting to be found.

I don't know how long we waited, but as the seconds ticked by, I started to wonder how long this was going to take. I was about to speak up when I felt Mike's hand on my shoulder.

My breath hissed out of me, my heart beating erratically from the fright.

"Shhh, it's okay." He whispered as he drew me closer to him.

He settled my slight weight in his lap, his fingers running through my hair, it was a calming feeling, but for some reason, I couldn't relax completely.

"You're such a good girl." He whispered in to my ear.

What I would later come to realize, the emotion I was now feeling was unease, gripped me tightly.

His hands, which had been comforting and innocent, were no longer.

The fingers of one of his hands ran over my arms and chest, his other hand moved over my legs, his fingers rising higher with each stroke.

I went to move out of his lap, trying to scoot my body away from his and that is when I felt the hardness beneath me. I didn't know at the time, what it was; only that it scared me.

His hand that had been on my chest and arms, moved more tightly around me, binding my body to his, holding me motionless, when I tried to move again, he whispered, "Don't move."

I didn't know how to handle what was going on, I only knew I was scared and wanted to get away. I opened my mouth to scream but his hot, breathy voice in my ear stopped me cold.

"You will not scream and you will not say anything about this, EVER." His voice was positively evil.

This, I didn't know what 'this' was, but no sooner had the thought popped in to my mind than his fingers moved underneath my dress and then under my panties. I cried out at the intrusion, but his hand slapped over my lips, silencing me.

I didn't like this, and it hurt, but he wouldn't release me and he wouldn't let me speak.

The more I tried to move, the more he seemed to like it. When I tried to still my movements, he began to move me in his lap more forcefully.

His breath puffed against my ear, and strange noises I didn't understand. Grunts and moans.

I was worried, I thought he was hurt or something was wrong, but even as I thought these thoughts his two fingers continued to move within me.

The quicker his breathing got, the rougher his fingers became.

Moments - which to me felt like hours – he moaned, his voice a mere snarl as he whispered "Don't try to move, stay where you are."

His arm that had been holding me tightly to him disappeared, it moved behind me and then I heard the rasp of his zipper being lowered.

It felt like a fist being pressed into my back, moving up and down in quick, hard thrusts. As his movement behind me quickened, so too did his fingers within me.

I tried to stay quiet, but it hurt so badly and I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.

But within moments his body went ridged and instantly felt wetness on the back of my panties, his fingers that were within me curled as his body shook, the pain was too much and I cried out.

The inside of my thighs felt wrong, but I wasn't given the time to wonder about anything, because suddenly he shoved me away from him and seconds later the top opened and Shannon was standing there, a proud smile on her lips.

"Why are you crying?" She asked me.

I didn't know how to answer, but even had I figured out what I wanted to say, Mike beat me to it.

"She doesn't seem to like the dark. If you hadn't found us, I was going to help her out."

Shannon looked back and forth between the two of us, shrugged her shoulders.

Mike quickly grabbed me and placed me on the floor. I cringed back from his touch, but needed his help getting out. As soon as my feet hit the floor I bolted from the room and ran to the bathroom.

I lifted my dress and saw red splatters on my upper thighs and panties. It was blood I realized, my blood.

My tears came quickly, each one burning my eyes as it fell. I went to open the door when it opened, Mike was standing there and before I could do or say anything, he whisper, growled, "Don't say a thing to anyone. You're mother already doesn't want you, can you imagine if your father knew, he'd throw you away just as quickly as she did."

Before I could say anything, he shut the door. I waited a few moments and then threw the door open and dashed up the stairs, half way up I tripped and skinned my knee, moving a little slower I walked in to my room.

I quickly changed and grabbed the clothes I had been wearing, went to the bathroom, washed out my underwear, put them in the laundry basket and took the dress to my grandma, but only after using it to sop up the small amount of blood from my knee.

"Oma, I got blood on my dress, I skinned my knee."

Oma is the German word from grandma, and I had used it for as long as I can remember.

She smiled at me, took the dress and worked her magic to get the stains out.

XXXXXX

I was pulled out of my thoughts by a throat clearing next to me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, you just looked lost in thought and honestly, it didn't look like a happy thought."

"You didn't scare me." I said softly.

I hadn't looked at the stranger while he spoke or when I had, but now I finally pulled my eyes from the waterfall and my breath hitched. Shit! He's gorgeous!

"Jasper Whitlock Ma'am and you are?"

"Bella Swan, last time I checked." I mumbled breathily.

I knew I must look like an idiot, but Holy Hell, the man was amazing to look at. Even the lack of light couldn't mask his perfection. And then it hit me, I had been standing here a very long time.

"Excuse me; do you know what time it is?" I asked.

"Just after eight, is everything alright?" He inquired.

"Oh Shit…" I trailed off, my mind stuck on the fact that I had been here, in this spot for twelve hours.

I suddenly lurched forward, moving stiffly towards the bench. Once seated I dropped my head between my knees, taking great gulps of air, trying to stave off the panic attack I knew was coming.

I felt more than saw, Jasper kneel in front of me and then all rational thought left my mind as his hands grasped my cheeks softly. The coolness of his touch a balm to my panic ridden mind, I chanced a look up and found myself drowning in his honey, intense gaze.

"Breathe Bella"

XXXXXX

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	2. WTF

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, reviews are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

Any mistakes that lie within are my fault, I didn't get a chance to give this to my beta, but I checked it over a couple times and hopefully caught everything. Enjoy! (Most updates won't be as quick, seeing as I do have a life outside of writing, kinda, but I will try to get them to you as often as possible.)

(Opa is German for Grandpa)

**Chapter One – WTF**

Once I managed to remember to breathe and my panic attack seemed to have abated, I realized, this was the first time in a very long time; I had been so close to anyone.

Sure, I get the occasional hug from family, but other than that, the last stranger I had this much contact with, had to be years ago. Landon was the last person to hold me, kiss me and even though he wasn't a stranger, since I had known him for years, we had drifted apart and then after ten long years, we had reconnected, briefly. So he wasn't a stranger, but for that long in between it was almost like it, for a few minutes…

And to round out this new experience, I lurched away from him and almost fell flat on my face. _"Damn, if I'm going to fall for someone, good thing I choose the Greek God…"_

I hear a chuckle above me and my eyes instantly dart to his and I realize in that moment, I said it out loud. "_What The Fuck, where's my filter."_

His chuckling alerts me to the fact that I once again said that shit out loud. _Damn it!_

"Can we just pretend I didn't say anything?" I ask, as my blush infuses my cheeks with even more color.

"We could, but what would be the fun in that?"

The twitch of his lips draws my eyes and I can't help but stare longingly for a few heartbeats. What I wouldn't give to feel passion again, feel desired…

"Can I give you a ride home?"

"It's really not that far from here, I can walk." I tell him; even though leaving his arms is the last thing I want to do.

"Still, I'd feel better if you allowed me to escort you home; I'd hate to see anything happen to you."

It really doesn't make a difference, so I nod my head in acceptance. No sooner had I agreed than we were swiftly moving towards his vehicle. _Damn, he's fast!_

As I give him my address I notice that twitch of his lips again, for a moment, I'm disconcerted, but then he speaks. "I know the place, I just moved in on the ground floor, apartment 104."

"When did you move in?" I ask.

"This morning, I finished setting everything up and decided I would check out the waterfall everyone was talking about."

I feel heat in my face again and know I am blushing but can do nothing to stop it. "When did you get to the waterfall?"

Almost sheepishly he replies, "A couple hours ago."

I knew my blush was getting worse, but before I could think of anything to say, he was pulling into the parking lot, beside my vehicle.

"It was nice to meet you Bella."

"You too Jasper, welcome to the neighborhood, hope you enjoy it here."

Before I can embarrass myself anymore, I lurch out of his car and run into my apartment.

It is only after my door shut that I fully understand what happened.

I had felt attraction to others, but it was a basic, surface attraction, I hadn't felt the deep in my bones attraction since, well since Landon and before then it was Colm.

What I was feeling for Jasper seemed to eclipse all previous attractions. _Damn, that's scary…_

But really, it's only attraction, I don't know the guy, calling it anything but surface is blowing things way out of proportion. Sure he's good looking and that body… _Keep on track damn it…_

Finally feeling a little surer of my thoughts, I moved to my couch, no sooner had I sat than Sarsaparilla jumped on to my lap, demanding attention.

As my fingers dance through her fur, I'm drug back through my memories once again.

Why now damn it, why are my memories assaulting me now?

XXXXXX

It wasn't like I ever felt young, even when a child I knew things had to be a certain way, dad need me to be strong, I didn't want him to see how much it hurt to know that my mother never wanted me. He was hurting himself and didn't need my pain thrown in there too.

He was hurting so much; I almost lost him before I knew him…

And never once did he tell me she was horrible or wrong, he always tried to convince me to see her or talk to her, when she made the effort, but that was the thing, she didn't make the effort often, and even as a child I knew that wasn't right.

I've received one gift from her in all my years, and I don't think I have ever seen a card, I should know, I save them all and before I started, dad saved them for me. Truly, it wasn't about gifts or cards, it was about her acknowledging my life, but, she never did.

Sure, I could forgive her for her abandonment, I could even try to find love for her, but, in my childish thinking, I didn't think that was something I was suppose to try for, it should just be, it should be ingrained…

Dad never spoke poorly of her, although, as I got older and learned more, he could have, perhaps even should have…

I knew I had brothers, well half-brothers; all three of us had, have different fathers. Logan was older than me by two years, Jason was younger by two.

I don't have any memories of them until I was twelve years old, how pathetic is that.

As I said I was twelve when my dad finally convinced me to go and see 'that' side of my family, I didn't want to go, but to make him happy I went.

Logan and I got along well, Jason and I, it seemed had nothing in common and for some reason, I always felt he hated my existence.

The first day was okay, Logan and I had fun, Jason was there, but he didn't really interact with me. We went tubing down the river; it was a lot of fun especially considering water is like my second home, but even though, it felt hollow, like the emotions that family share that should be present, weren't or not completely, we were practically strangers.

It went as well as could be expected I suppose, I didn't have any familial feelings towards Susan; she was just this woman I didn't know, that 'my' family wanted me to know.

As my Opa always stated, "Blood is thicker than water, that woman is your mother."

Of course when he said things like that, my ire rose, it always felt like a personal attack and I would reply with, "Just because she donated some DNA and allowed her womb to be used, doesn't make that woman my mother, nor does it make her family."

And of course, that is where our arguments would begin…

The second day I was there, we lounged in Susan's room watching movies, it was the first time I saw The Birds, and loved it instantly. I loved the creepy nature of it all, I'm sure that is what sparked my love of all things horror-ish…

My brother's had gone to do something, I don't really remember what and that is when Susan tried to talk to me…

"Your father, he abuses you, doesn't he?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, flabbergasted. I'm sure my shock was evident on my face as well as my voice.

"Sexually, I know he does, tell me and I'll take you away from him so he can't hurt you any more."

"Listen lady, you don't know anything. You're bitter for reasons I can't even comprehend and you have the nerve to stand here and accuse the one person who has loved me like I deserve to be loved." I had heard people say they were so angry they saw red, but until that moment, I couldn't fathom it.

I didn't give her the time to say anything else; I informed her it was time for me to go home. Arrangements were made for me to leave in the morning, it wasn't soon enough for my liking, but it would have to do.

It wasn't like I could jump in a car and race away from the crazy she was trying to sell.

That night, as I lay in my 'bed', which was little more than a cot, across from Logan, I started to wonder how anyone could be that hurtful. It didn't take long for the anger to abate and a deep sadness to take over, my tears came quickly and without end it felt like.

Logan took me in his arms and held me as I cried. He tried his best to make me feel better, but what could have been a happy moment was ruined. I don't know why he did it but his hands which moments before were brotherly, were now inappropriate.

A minute, two at most and he pushed me away, for which I was thankful. It was as if the moment things changed my brain and body shutdown. It was only on my chest and above clothes, I kept trying to rationalize, but for the life of me, I couldn't understand why something like this was happening to me, again.

I curled up on the bed and let all my tears loose. I cried for the mother I will never have, I cried for the hurt my brothers actions caused, I cried because I missed my dad terribly and I cried for me and the hurt little girl who just wanted to be loved.

As soon as possible I ran from that house and never looked back. I wanted nothing to do with them.

And really, the sad thing was, from the moment I understood I had brothers, I wanted them in my life. I loved that I had a big brother who could protect me, and a little brother to share things with. I longed to love them, and then with all that happened, left me empty.

My brother was supposed to protect me from 'those' types of things and instead, it turned out, I needed to be protected from him…

Sass dug her claws in to my hand, letting me know none to gently it was time to let her go. I was so engrossed with my thoughts, I hadn't realized I had tugged her small, fury body to my chest, nor that I had dampened her silky coat with my tears.

"Sorry Sass," I tell her as I release her from my grip. Once on the floor she gives me the typical 'whatever' look and flounces out of the room, more than likely looking for her co-conspirators so they can 'cat talk' about the stupid human and her numerous issues…

And with that thought, I drag my tired ass off to bed, but no sooner do I reach to shut the light off, there is a soft knock on my door.

Grumbling about stupid people not knowing to leave me alone, I open the door, not even bothering to check and see who it is until my mystery guest sucks in a shaky breath.

"Bella, are you alright, what's wrong?"

Hmm, what an odd question, unless, nah there is no way he could have heard my inner monologue about the cats…

"What are you talking about, I'm fine." I say, with an edge to my voice.

"Sure, whatever you say."

The smugness of his tone irks me, but I am drained, it has been a long day. "Did you need something?"

"Actually, yes, I don't suppose you would mind lending me your plunger…I forgot to pick one up when I moved in."

"Yeah sure, hang on a sec, don't let the cats out."

I run to the main bathroom and just as I am about to leave, I take a quick look in the mirror and almost laugh. So this was why he wanted to know if I was okay, my face was tear streaked and my mascara had left dark trails in my tears wake. To wash my face or not, that was the question.

Knowing he has already seen it, I shrugged my shoulders, its been a long day and my emotional upheaval at remembering is just too much, so I decide to forgo and just get him what he requested.

Besides, if he couldn't love me at my worst, he most definitely doesn't deserve me at my best…

_Oh CRAP, where the hell did that thought come from._ However, the truth behind the thought could not be refuted.

Of course, believing and living that truth would most likely prove much more difficult.

"Here you go." I say wearily, my eyes are starting to do the shutter move, staying closed longer than open and my head feels likes it's doing the perpetual nod, I know I need to get in my room before I just fall asleep standing here.

"Thanks, I'll get it back to you right away…"

I cut him off before he can finish though, "No, that's okay, just bring it back tomorrow, I'm beat and going to bed."

He looked at me oddly for a moment and then a bright smile lit up his face before he kissed my cheek and closed the door to my apartment.

_Okay, wasn't expecting that…_Suddenly, my sleepiness was gone and I was WIDE awake.

_Damn!_

Best

Cheek

Kiss

EVER!

My cheek is still tingling when I crawl in to bed. My mind tries to reminisce over the kiss, but I know if I don't sleep now, it could be hours or days before I get the privilege again. Sleep claims me quickly thankfully, tonight, I'm sleeps bitch, and happily so.

XXXXXX

**Like it, Love it, Hate it? Let me know, push the button, you know you want to ;o) **


	3. Dogged

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, reviews are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

**Chapter Two – Dogged**

My dreams weren't really dreams at all, but of course another memory.

Thankfully, this time it wasn't bad memories…

Chimera, want an amazing animal he was.

I can't recall when he came to live with us; all I remember is loving him the moment we met.

It is truly sad to say – after all these years, and admit it – that my love for that dog, was probably the purest and healthiest love I have ever felt.

For in his eyes, the abuse I had suffered, endured, didn't make me less in his eyes. Perhaps had my family known, it wouldn't have changed how they felt about me either…

But, what a contradictive word – I could not tell them, could not burden them with such a traumatizing event. I knew I wouldn't burden them with such things, even from a young age, more fearful of being abandoned and or, seeing the possibility of disbelief…

- I knew I was dreaming, considering the way my mind and thoughts were all over the place. For short moments, I was back in the darkness and then the light found me -

Chimera, purchased by my Opa as a guard dog for the family business August Motors, I wasn't allowed to play with him much, because he was always on duty, but there were days when I'd fall asleep in his Huge doghouse, curled around him or more accurately, he was curled around me.

I had only to be near him and no one dared to lay a finger on me in anger. Sadly, he was a working dog, he didn't stay at our house and only once in a blue moon did he get to do things that weren't work related, we'd been told it would be counter-productive to his past training, if we treated him like a pet instead of an employee. Thankfully, everyone else had to follow these rules, me, I got to break them a little.

We bonded over the walks we took and the afternoons I slept with him. He became my confidant, my escape, but most importantly my protector.

Chimera was 50% German Shepard and 50% Timber Wolf and on top of that pedigree he was also a retired police dog.

He was fiercely loyal and took his job seriously.

One of the first stories I recall of him and the work he did, was when two men tried to break into the storage she behind August Motors.

They scaled in using the skylight, but before they could reach the bottom of the rope, Chimera was waiting for them.

It was much too dark for them to see his waiting presence.

Chimera captured fool number one in the ass, his teeth sinking in to the soft flesh, not tearing, just teeth, a move more to disable than to leave lasting damage, Fool number two, scared witless, couldn't maneuver back up the room, after his accomplice's screams rang in the building.

When the police arrived that morning, Chimera had the men locked in the corner, too scared to even dare to breathe heavily, small gasps of air the only thing they could achieve.

Fool number one was taken to jail after receiving 137 stitches to his ass, Fool number two had 40 in his leg and another 52 in his arm before he was taken to jail.

xxx

A couple months after that incident, I must have been five or six; Opa and I were walking Chimera. This was the same route we most often took, down the road for the shop, to the campsite and back again. No more than a mile or two if I were to hazard a guess.

I begged and pleaded to hold his leash, wanting Opa to see I was responsible and mature to handle such a serious task.

We walked to the campsite before turning back, on the return trip however, a rowdy, dense, teenage boy riding a dirt bike, swerved in my direction.

No sooner than he made the movement, than Chimera's leash was ripped from my hand and he was gone.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed.

"Isabella Swan…" I could hear the warning in his voice, but I could also hear the hint of laughter too.

With a sense of panic trying to overwhelm me, I snapped my eyes up, hoping to see where Chimera went and praying this wouldn't prevent me from walking him again.

What I saw had my mouth falling in to a shocked 'O'.

Three steps and then a leap had Chimera leaping for the rider, his teeth around the boy's neck. The whoosh of air dispelled as the boys back met the ground, and the suddenly quiet bike, were the only sounds to be heard.

His forceful removal and the fear on his face made me giggle.

The boy looked like he was a breath or two away from wetting his pants. His hands tried shoving the huge dog off of him, but, it was pointless, Chimera would not be deterred.

Opa had to command him to 'release' before Chimera would calm down.

Shockingly, with the speed and velocity that he was removed from the moving bike to the ground, Chimera's teeth never even pierced the skin. There were angry, red indents for sure, but that was all.

Opa said "He wished he knew what the dog was thinking when that Moron swerved in my direction." He'd chuckled a little at this, but I could see he really wanted to know. Me, I was just happy my doggie saved me, because no matter what anyone said, Chimera was my dog first and an employee second.

xxx

It was after dad and I moved to the city that Opa called to let us know that Chimera was gone.

Our whole family loved him, he did his job well, but on top of that, he was also a member of our family, even though most wouldn't admit it.

When he disappeared, Opa, Oma, a couple uncles all searched for him. They knew he was getting up there in age, knew there would probably come a time when they would need to put him down, but his disappearance left everyone wondering.

Derek found him the first time. Brought him back and convinced Opa to raise the height of the fence, because that was the only logical way they could figure he got out.

A week later, Danny found him and brought him back. All wondering if the ten foot fence was enough to keep him where he belonged.

It was his third attempt when Opa watched him bound over the fence in one leap. He got him back in and just shook his head, amazed at the agility of Chimera even though he knew it had to be hard. The arthritis was getting worse.

It was Chimera's fourth attempt that left us all sad. We never did find him, at least, not alive…

Oma said it was Chimera's way of lessening our pain. That instead of dying with us, he went off to spare us. She said he knew what he was doing, and us trying to keep him, when he obviously wanted to leave, wasn't the right thing to do. We should have accepted his choice the first time.

That hurt me worse than anything else. That we had not taken in to account what he wanted. I felt horrible that we had tried to take away his choices.

It wasn't until a couple years later, when all the family got back together at Opa and Oma's, which we ever discovered what happened to him. Danny, Derek, Dick and Dirk along with Oma and me, were all out berry picking behind August Motors, that Oma came across some bones, with Chimera's collar…

XXXXXX

I woke with a smile on my face and tears on my cheeks.

Chimera, I hadn't thought of him in ages…

I didn't want to get out of bed, but the allure of a hot shower was just too hard to ignore. My body felt stiff and sore. _Must have been all that standing and sitting in one place for so long…Dumb Ass…_

I stripped out of my clothes, wrapping the towel around myself before I grabbed my clothes, tossing them in the washer and then made my way back to my master suite.

Reaching in I adjusted the temperature of the water, giving it a few moments to acquire some steam, it is always the best feeling, walking into that enclosed space, feeling the warm steam filling your lungs. It takes you back to sweltering days lying in the sun, basking in all that good Vitamin D.

Like always, I grabbed my brush, running it through my waist length hair, getting all the knots and tangles out before even attempting to wash it. Knots, tangles and soaped up hair, never a good combination.

I was about to drop my towel, when I heard the stupid door bell. _Can't people be generous enough to wait till after I've had my morning shower and Ice Cap from the local coffee shop? _

_Stupid inconsiderate people, why is the world bothering me lately, I've been good, I'm completely innocent_, I mumbled to myself. My inner devil, drop kicked my inner angel off my shoulder and to the curb before he had the audacity to fall over laughing. _Fucker, who asked you anyway?_

Taking a deep breath, I tried to find an inner calm, but with my devil still cackling, I was hard pressed to find said emotion.

_Of course it's you! _Did this guy have boundary issues? As I watched his face, I realized again, I had said that first part out loud.

"Umm, Hi, uh…Hello…" I whispered, hoping once again he'd gloss over my broken freaking filter.

"Good morning Bella, do you always answer your door in the morning in a towel?"

"Oh shut it, you're the one who came knocking on my door, just as I was about to enjoy the full effects of a hot, steamy, shower, that would be at this moment, taking care of ALL my needs." Wow, I sounded cranky even to my own ears…

"Excuse me?" Jasper asked all polite like.

After thinking about exactly what I said, I could see how it could be misconstrued, or even taken to the gutter…"Oh, crap, where is my filter, this is your entire fault!"

_Stupid perfect likable, kissable lips and those bedroom eyes that just scream good lovin', and that just been 'fucked good' hair and that body that is just sex on a stick…_ Crap, I did it again…

I shook my head, my blush was blushing…

"Is there something you needed or…?" I asked, unable to look at him.

I heard him clear his throat a few times, I could hear his mouth open a few times as well, but still he said nothing.

"Getting chilly here Jasper."

"I'm sorry…I…umm…honestly, I don't…umm…quite remember why I came, come…?"

I couldn't help it, I burst into laughter. He was all stuttering and cute in his discomfort. And then his last two words penetrated the fog of my humor.

_Mmmm, I can think of a few things we could do that would make his came, come more of a reality…_

"Bella, for the love of God, you said that out loud too!"

"Ahh fuck...Umm, I seriously have to go, I need, NEED my shower...Crap, I mean… Bye Jasper."

As soon as I slammed the door I ran for the bathroom, maybe in there my brain would remember to work or rediscover the filter I normally had.

_I wonder, maybe I could look online, see if they sold mental filters, so as not to say such dumb shit aloud…_

This was going to be a long day!

XXXXXX

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	4. Dear Readers

**Dear Readers,**

My beta will not be available until Sunday, so sadly, I will not be able to post anything until then, possibly even Monday, depending on how tired he is. I'm sure you guys understand! But I wanted to let you all know, so you didn't think I just stopped writing and posting. The downtime will give me a chance to get ahead and perhaps the ability to post more often, we will see. :)

With the downtime, perhaps you guys will give me lots more reviews and give me that great boost of confidence to write more and quicker. (A girl can hope right?)

(I'm borrowing this next part from** KayJay112** – because I agree with what she says and couldn't have said it better! Everything in **bold **is her words!)

**- I didn't get as many reviews as I would have liked on my last chapter. I am not the kind of author who says that I am not going to update if you don't review, I would never do that, but REVIEWS most definitely are what make me WANT to write. I don't feel the need to update as quickly without them.**

**So, keep that in mind. *hint hint***

**So, REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! Comment what you like, what you don't, what you want to read and even a simple 'update now you idiot!' can go a long way! Also, comment if you have any questions because I promise I will respond. -**

And also, it is the only type of feedback we can get, since these are not published works for the public to buy, nor are we paid for the hard work we put in to each chapter, each story. Without you guys and your reviews, the stories risk the chance of being forgotten, or never written.

We write the stories for ourselves, but we also write them for you, so that you too may enjoy the crazy shit floating around in our heads LOL Please Review!

**And if you are looking for a fabulous story, try KayJay's Realidades Torcido!**


	5. Therapeutic

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, **Reviews** are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

**James, thank you for being my Beta! **

**KayJay112, Nicoconsd, TwilightAddict71484 you guys are beyond fabulous and totally make my day, every DAY! If you haven't read KayJay or TwilightAddict, what are you waiting for! ;)**

**Chapter Three – Therapeutic **

I don't know what has come over me, but even with my lack of filter, I can't figure out why my past is being resurrected.

Living through some of the stuff once was more than enough. But, being forced numerous times over the years is just cruel.

Whatever this is, I needed to get it under control.

Maybe it was time to look in to therapists again.

Since my last one retired four months ago, I knew the time would come when I would need another one, although I had hoped, maybe stupidly, that I was better...

Of course, when I had first gone to my doctor, explaining that I thought it might be a good idea to speak to someone professionally, she told me I wasn't depressed enough.

My witty and snappy comeback was, "So, I should go home, kill myself and then come back, will _**that**_ be depressed enough for you?"

She just huffed in her mistakenly superior way and ushered me out the door…

Stupid twit…

Thankfully, small town doctors were much more understanding and a lot less hostile, after a week of living here, my doctor agreed and set my appointment up.

I think that was the first time I had encountered a doctor who was actually willing to help, just because it was the right thing to do. All the doctors I had seen over the years, before I moved here, were very brusque, get me in, get me out, that's it.

And I while I understand that to a point, how can any patient hope to feel comfortable enough with their doctor, if they are treated as just another dollar sign…

xxx

Mistakenly I had believed I had healed, - I've acknowledged that - over that which plagued me or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

Believing that my past and the things that occurred in it were done, over, never having to be thought of again, lived through, thus ready to be forgotten, it was foolish to think such things.

I didn't honestly think that one could ignore their past, even though, people claim it is the best way to move on. That you should never look back…

Now that I am thinking on it, how anyone could not look back on both the bad and the good, when the past is what has shaped us in to the being we are. Without a past, what could our present and future really entail…?

I would not be who I am today, without my past. Perhaps without all the bad, I would have been a horrible person, the answers to who I could possibly be, can't be known, because, no matter what, through each fork in the road, I chose the one that worked the best for me at the time, maybe believing I was chose right, when I was actually choosing wrong.

Each choice however, deciding a different path, a different outcome, I couldn't question, what I didn't know was possible, feasible.

If the reliving of my past was the consequences of lapsing in healthy mental help, then I needed to do something to fix this.

Maybe there was a good reason for my past to come back in to play now, maybe I needed to learn something, maybe even forgive…

I refused to go back down that dark path alone, especially when there was no one to pull me out of it. If it wasn't for my dad last time…

Bloody hell, why was this so hard, why couldn't this shit stay buried. I quickly squashed that line of thinking, again, there had to be a reason for this all.

Since moving here, I had yet to make any friends, I had closed myself off, limiting the amount of time I spent with others, to lessen the possible hurt they could inflict on me.

I was, am, jaded and a little bitter, fearful…Fearlessly Fearful of being abandoned or disregarded. It was time I started living again, but not for others like I had been, it was time to live for me.

Enough with the pity party!

Shit needed to be done and wallowing in the now cold confines of the shower wasn't doing a damn thing, except making my teeth chatter.

Sitting on the side of the tub, naked as the day I was born, I began lathering my body with the sumptuous vanilla and brown sugar body butter.

I let the aroma calm the storm of my nerves and thoughts.

The slow repetitive motion of my hands working the butter in to my skin, finally allowing me to put the emotional storm, not behind me, but to quell it to an extent, I was able to relax, just be.

My stomach's unhappy grumblings forced me to cut short my morning indulgences.

I grabbed the body mist, covered my skin in a light film, allowing it to moisturize where the butter had not been used.

The simplicity of it brought an honest smile to my face.

Sometimes we needed to indulge, not just our minds, emotions or desires but our sense too.

I slipped on a pair of black low-rise yoga pants and a midriff baring, barely there back camisole. Grabbed my ankle socks and slipped on my black Reebok Simplytone sneakers, oh how I loved this invention.

I tossed my hair in to a high ponytail, using a little gel to tame the few locks that refused to comply and stay where I wanted them to.

A quick look in the mirror showed that both my lower back tattoo and the tattoo that held place in between my shoulder blades were displayed nicely. I felt stronger, more confident seeing them.

It was time to get on with the day.

Now the million dollar question, stay in and cook or stop at my favorite diner, choices, so many choices…

After a few moments of contemplating my choices, I realized cooking was probably a bad idea. I'd more than likely burn the place down, either because I slipped in to a memory or I'd distract myself with dirty thoughts about jasper…

The latter sounded like a lot of fun, but now was not the time.

I walked over to Palatable Persuasion; thankfully the place was slow enough, that I was able to get a windowed booth seat. The waitress this morning was not one I recognized, but wow, she was beautiful, dark hair, slightly wavy, blue eyes that put the sky to shame and a personality that was infectious.

"My name's Aviva, I'll be your waitress today, what can I get ya?"

I ordered their Tapas Trio. I really didn't feel like eating any one thing over another, so I got the meal with three different things.

Can't go wrong with a mini Caesar salad with parmesan crisp, chicken fingers with a chili dip and potato skins, smothered in goodness, well, no onions, I can't stand onions. And an ice cold glass of water.

When the waitress came by for the third time, wanting to know if 'I needed _anything _else', I realized all I was doing was stalling, the longer I waited the more confused I was liable to become. And not really wanting to annoy the new waitress, I knew it was time to move on with my plans.

I needed a therapists help, there was obviously something going on with me and I had to stop avoiding shit. It never helped in the long run anyway.

Avoiding just led to more avoiding and then you didn't know what you were avoiding to begin with, because after so much avoiding, all you did was…avoid.

The phone rang twice before a nasally voice said, "….How may I help you today?"

Hmm, I missed the first part of her greeting, but shrugged, figuring it wasn't that important. Besides, I could never forget Mrs. Collards voice, it was…very distinct.

"Hi, this is Bella Swan, I was wondering if it was possible to find a new therapist."

"Absolutely, was there someone specific you'd…?"

"I don't know any of the therapists, so if you have a suggestion, I'd be greatly appreciative."

"Yes Miss. Swan, we have an opening for today, three O'clock work for you?"

I wanted to scream 'NO', but my inner voice threatened to kick my ass if I didn't get this done. "Yes, thank you…that will be fine."

I realized belatedly that I didn't catch the name of the therapist, but again, it wasn't like it was going to make a difference, I didn't know whoever it was going to be and besides that, I would find out when I went in. _Yes my mind screamed, this is avoidance too!_

"Miss Swan, a pleasure to see you again."

"Umm…likewise Mrs. Collards."

Before I even had a chance to inquire about her family, like I had done in the past, she was ushering me in to the new office.

Things had definitely changed since Mr. Players left. Where the place felt old before, but homey, it now felt clinical almost like an actual doctor's office, it was quite disconcerting.

"Mr. Masen will be in shortly."

I fidgeted for a few minutes, unable to sit still. The new feel for the place, was doing nothing to help ease my nerves or the new fears this wasn't the place for me.

When he walked in, I almost fell out of my chair. Well, at least my nerves have been taken care of I thought to myself.

In between giggling like a school girl and full out laughter, I managed to say, "Oh…haha…my…haha…GOD…hahaha…are you…haha…old… haha… enough….haha…to even cross…hahahaha…the road…hahahaha…alone?"

He didn't even crack a smile when he replied, "Rest assured, I'm old enough. However, we aren't here to discuss me and my age. We are here to help you and whatever that may entail."

"Whatever you say."

"Isabella, I'm Edward Masen. Today I would like to take a little time to get to know you and your reasons for seeking out professional help. Before we begin our sessions, does that work for you?"

"Instead of wasting more of my money, why didn't you just read my files that Mr. Players had?"

"I could, but I have a feeling you didn't cover everything that needed to be covered. Seeing as how you were only his patient for four months and saw him once a week…"

"How can you speculate on anything if you have no prior knowledge of me or my situation or what brought me here? That is awfully pretentious and presumptuous of you Edward, rather egotistical of you to jump to conclusions, when you don't know a damn thing about me."

Yes, I was mad, can you blame me? Doogie Howser walked in to the room, and I am supposed to feel comfortable telling this child things from my past, when his every word screams 'I'm better than you', I don't think so.

The ass had the nerve to smirk at me, like I was being an impertinent child for my verbal lashing out.

"I think we are done Mr. Masen, have a good day." And with that I walked out of his office, probably slamming his door a little louder than I needed to, but, he pissed me off.

I really didn't care if he had anything to say or not, walking out and not looking back, left me feeling better than I had all day.

The door to the street opened before my hand could even reach the handle.

"Jasper Whitlock, what are you doing here?" I'm sure I sounded a little accusatory at that moment, but I was in a mood.

"I was actually stopping by to visit family, you?"

I ignored his question for the moment, deflecting it neatly with a question of my own.

"Please tell me you aren't related to Edward 'I Know Everything' Masen?" I think my question came out snarkier than I intended, but damn that boy was full of himself.

"So you know my adoptive brother? And what's this, you didn't fall prey to his compelling allure, I'm shocked!"

His tone implied it didn't happen often, where a woman resisted Edward's 'Charms'…

"Sorry, not at all, he is not my type for one and his personality, from the few moments I was in his presence, guarantees I will never fall prey to his way of thinking. And secondly, if and when I do 'fall' for someone, it will be for a man, not a boy-child, who thinks that highly of himself."

That was politer than he deserved, but for once, my inner most thoughts didn't come spewing from my lips. _Happy Dance…_

"Edward is…an acquired taste, that's for sure."

"You don't say?" I replied with a little bit of a bite in my tone, but to ease it, I tacked a smile on.

His rich, deep, infectious laughter, felt as though it was wrapping me in a warm, comforting, yet never before felt hug, both inside and out. It was a little disconcerting, but also very pleasant. It was a feeling I could get used to, one I wanted to get used to.

Without thinking, I blurted the first thing that popped in to my mind, "Want to grab an early supper?"

"I would love to, but, I need to see my dad, the family has some big announcement and it requires all of us there. Esme asked me to pick up Carlisle, because she is running behind."

Whether it was wishful thinking or not, I swear it looked like he was torn, wanting to stay but needing to follow through with his responsibilities.

"I understand, maybe another time Jasper!"

"Sounds good, I'll see you later."

Before he could turn and walk away, I leaned in to him, my body a mere breath away from touching his, my lips, close to his, but at the last moment, I turned slightly, letting my lips barely graze over the corner of his mouth to his cheek.

When I stepped back, his eyes were closed and he looked, I guess the term was, blissed out. It was rather cute but sexy and made even sexier by his tongue constantly moving over that one side of his lips, the small little portion my lips had touched.

"Mmmm, you taste delicious Jasper!"

I'd say I made one hell of an exit this time, which will teach him to not play with fire or to follow through at the very least.

My day seemed to have improved hundredfold.

XXXXXX

**Like it, Love it, Hate it? You need to let me know! I can't change things or add things, if you the readers don't share your thoughts and the best way to do that, is REVIEW! **

**Even if you use one or two words to review, trust me, it means a LOT! **


	6. Bad Dreams

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, reviews are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves!

**James, thank you for being my Beta!**

**I had planned on waiting till Sunday to post, but I was hoping by showing you guys the love, you'd show me the love... Please review and let me know what you think! :) **

**Chapter Four – Bad Dreams**

It had been, somewhat of a rollercoaster ride emotionally, all day.

To say that I was glad the day was drawing to a close was an understatement.

I hadn't heard any movements on my floor, so I surmised Jasper was still out with his family.

I grabbed my pad of paper and a pen from beside the phone.

It felt like it took forever to think of something to write, then I remembered one of the items on my bucket list, well, it was more like a list of things a woman should do in her lifetime, but whatever.

_**Jasper, **_

_**It might be nice to let you make love to me in a fragrant field of sweet grass, at dusk in later summer…**_

_**Good Night, pleasantly, sweet dreams**_

_**Bella**_

After slipping the note beneath his door, I came back home, made a quick meal and ate it, without really tasting it. My mind was too busy going over everything that had transpired today and more often than not, kept getting stuck on the 'I'm mister irresistible'. How does anyone have that big of an ego?

I briefly thought of reading, but knew even the best story wouldn't hold my attention for long, if at all. I'd more than likely doom myself to staring at the same page or reading same said page for hours. And my luck, I'd end up dreaming something funky because of the crap I continually reread.

Although, it would seem I didn't need anything to trigger a nightmare lately.

Instead, I popped in a DVD and hoped it would keep my interest.

Shortly after Naomi experienced her 'first time' I began to drift. Just before I succumbed, I thought, even though her first time was bad, at least it was better than mine.

xxx

I was young, stupid and completely flattered, when Greg asked me to be his girlfriend.

At thirteen, I thought I understood, thought this was what I had been missing all my life.

The days turned to months, in finding something special with Greg, I also found a 'good' friend with his sister Arlene.

Of course, I probably should have wondered why a sixteen year old boy was interested in a thirteen year old, but, it never even occurred to me.

Greg had started hinting that he wanted to get more intimate, I was but a child really, and the idea of moving towards sex was terrifying and not something I was ready for.

Besides the fact that I had seen enough movies, that for my first time, I wanted it to be something special, something that was not rushed or pushed. And for awhile Greg listened to my objections…

Until one day…

Arlene invited me over to their place, we were going to spend the night watching horror movies (my idea) and doing girly things (her idea) that I really didn't want to do, but would, because friends do things for friends.

Honestly, I really did prefer getting dirty over being all dolled up and made up. But with her prodding and not so subtle begging to do more than just our hair, I gave in and endured having my toes and fingernails painted.

Of course her choice of candy apple red was almost more than I could handle. Red and me, we don't get along, I hate the color and think it looks horrible on me.

Some time during the night, I think I managed to sleep for a few moments; otherwise, Arlene was constantly trying to get me to do something stupid, like dressing up.

However, once the sun finally rose, I had reached my limit of being the good friend and decided it was time to leave. I needed a shower badly and wanted to sleep, I was exhausted. Not to mention, between Arlene and Greg both being asses about my desire to NOT have sex, I was just done.

Such a fool though, his sweet words as I was getting ready to leave, convinced me to stay, along with him promising to stop his sister's stupid need to play human Barbie.

He promised he would stop pressuring me, that he loved me, that I was important and what I wanted was important, so long as I loved him, he could wait forever…

Doug and Julie left around ten, to go to church, so it was just the three of us. Greg suggested swimming, knowing that was a weakness of mine. I loved the water, it didn't matter where, lake, pond, pool, or ocean, I loved being in the water.

The weather was perfect, the sun hot and the company was good, we joked, played and had a good time, although, I really wished Arlene would have leant me her bathing suit instead of her moms bikini.

Arlene got a good laugh out of it though, saying I filled out the top better than her mother ever could. I felt over exposed in the scraps of material, but I also felt wonderful, feeling the sun on so much skin, it was almost paradise.

My stomach growling got us out of the pool.

When we came in, Arlene chose to change in her room, Greg, took his bathroom and I took his room.

It became obvious right away, that it was a setup. I had barely loosened my towel, after grabbing clean clothes from my bag, when Greg walked back in to his bedroom.

His apology seemed insincere, but his kiss pushed the thought to the back of my mind. I will admit freely that I got caught up in the moment, but when his fingers started to tug on the strings of my top, I tried to step away.

His fingers that were gripping my hip, dug in painfully, preventing me from moving, in fact, he pulled me closer to his body.

It wasn't until the backs of my knees hit the edge of the bed that I realized we had moved.

With a quickness I didn't think he possessed, I was splayed out on my back, Greg's shorts were gone and his erection was pressing in to me through the material of my bikini bottoms.

My 'No's' fell on deaf ears and my struggles to get out from under him, were met with him pushing me harder in to the bed.

My fifty-seven pound frame was no match for his one hundred plus. There was no way I could overpower him.

My screams increased when he began to struggle to remove my last barriers, while making sure there was no room for escape.

When Arlene walked in to the room, I begged her to help me, to call someone, anyone, instead, she helped her brother.

Everything in me, revolted at what was sure to come. But it was made worse when my supposed friend, helped her brother by removing my bikini.

With nothing left to preserve my dignity, my tears came faster; my body shook with the strength and depth of my sobs.

The pain when he stole my innocence, was greater than anything I had ever felt and only made worse by Arlene grabbing my arms, she sat on them, so there was no way I could get away, thus giving Greg his hands, so he could do what he wanted.

My struggles finally ceased, there was nothing I could do, there was no way I could fight them both. I knew I had to endure until 'it' was over.

His hands grasped and groped, not a single loving touch, his hands did not leave pleasure but pain and bruises in their wake. His thrusts didn't speak of a man making love, but of a man taking possession of something he thinks he owns…

Not only was he taking something he had no right to, he was showing with every thrust, every grope, I was nothing to him, had never been anything.

His thrusting began to quicken, his grunts of pleasure and his moans of satisfaction, were getting louder, his breath as it puffed against my face, became shallower. I prayed this was coming to an end, I honestly didn't think my body could take anymore abuse.

Three thrusts later, he emptied himself inside me. His body crushed me further in to the bed, as he basked in his orgasm.

I don't know how long I laid there, barely able to draw a breath, but suddenly Arlene left the room and Greg got up and went in to his bathroom. I heard the water start almost immediately.

I grabbed my clothes, threw them on and grabbed my bag. I couldn't handle staying a moment longer.

As I fled Greg's room, I heard moaning coming from Arlene's room. I was sickened even more, which at that point, I had thought impossible.

I don't know how I made it home, I only knew it took forever to do so. Between vomiting every couple of steps, to the crying that I could barely even see my way, and the aches of my body only increased my nausea.

My head felt like there was a marching band practicing, badly, within, my eyes felt gritty, like I had used sandpaper for a month on them, and the rest of my aches and pains weren't feeling much better.

As I stood on my doorstep, fumbling with my keys, trying to get the damn thing to go in the hole, it all became too much. My anger, my horror, my mortification, it all piled up and suddenly it spiked.

Realizing it was a bad idea, but unable to stop the momentum, my fist plowed in to the hard oak of the door.

"Well, wasn't that the most brilliant idea EVER!" I bitched to myself. As if I wasn't in enough pain, my stupidity and anger led to a bloody and already bruising set of knuckles.

I thanked whoever, that my dad wasn't home. I couldn't explain what happened, if I told him, everyone would know about this. I'd be forever mocked, an embarrassment to everyone.

It took ten minutes or more to calm myself enough to get the door unlocked and to make my way to the bathroom.

I stripped my clothes off, caring little if I ever saw the outfit again. As the water from my shower sluiced over my skin, I noticed with horror, that it was tinged pink.

I crumpled to the floor, the reality of it all settling firmer on my shoulders. I cried, I bawled until there was nothing left inside me but an emptiness that scared me more than anything else, the cold water not even penetrating my complete despair.

It wasn't until I was curled up in bed that I finally let it all out, not with tears, but screams. My scream, laced with all the emotions that were racing through me, that were fogging my mind, and instead of being granted a reprieve from what happened, I was forced to relive the day, over and over again.

xxx

"Bella, wakeup, what's wrong?"

"Jas-Jasper, what – how…?" I mumbled, the fog of sleep, that moment where you are neither awake nor asleep, where nothing makes sense.

"Bella, please, wakeup…please, tell me what's wrong, why were you screaming?"

"I…I don't know, don't remember." I whimpered.

My face was wet, my clothes felt like they were stuck to me and my body was sore. I didn't understand how that could be but…

Suddenly I was very awake.

"Wait a minute, Jasper; how the hell did you get in here, what are you doing here?"

"The landlord was going to call the cops, I was just coming in when I heard you screaming and he was standing by your door. You were screaming for a long time, half the tenants thought you were being murdered. I asked Mr. Vicks to give me the chance to see what was wrong first; I lied and told him we were dating…"

"O-kay…But why? You don't know me…"

"I know some and to be honest, I really want to know more. You are an enigma. Sometimes you look so sad, like you carry the world on your shoulders and other times, you are such a contradiction of sweet and caring and vivacious and spunky. Is that reason enough?"

"That's the sweetest and oddest thing, anyone has ever said to me."

I don't know why I did it, but, I pulled him down, directing him as I did so, to lie down.

My emotions were still haywire, and at that moment, I didn't want to be alone, so maybe that's why I did what I did.

As soon as he was comfy, I moved closer, using his shoulder for a pillow, his arm wrapped around me, fastening me to his side. Unlike the memory I had just relived, this action made me feel safe.

"Thank you Jasper!" I said, placing a kiss to his cheek and promptly fell asleep.

"Sleep well Bella; don't be afraid, I'm here. May your dreams be nothing but sweet!"

XXXXXX

**Like it, Love it, Hate it? **

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**Show me some love and hit that review button! **


	7. Friends Like You

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, **Reviews** are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

**James, thank you for being my Beta!**

**Chapter Five – Friends Like You**

Something was different and for a moment, I couldn't figure out what exactly, but the cool, hard body beneath my cheek, brought it all back.

"Jasper, what are you?"

I felt his body shake, with what I assumed was mirth.

"That's a rather odd question, why do you ask?"

"Because, while I may have blonde moments, I'm not stupid, damn it Jasper, it isn't that hard of a question!"

His body shook harder and even I couldn't stop my laugh that bubbled up.

He took a deep breath before speaking, "I'll tell you, but I can't right now, the time isn't right. Can you trust me to tell you, when the time comes?"

"I suppose I can wait, but don't take too long and please don't make promises you can't keep."

"I don't make promises I can't keep. I learned long ago, a promise isn't worth a thing, if the…man who makes them, has no honor."

That was such an odd way of looking at things, but I couldn't argue with his logic, it was spot on.

If more people took a simple promise more seriously, I believe, there would be a lot less heartache.

"Well, can you answer something else then?"

"Such as…?" He sounded dubious.

By not answering my first question, he had in a way, already admitted that he is, at the very least more than a mere man.

"Why do I feel a connection to you, one stronger than anything I have ever felt before?"

There was a dozen other questions running through my mind, but that was the second most important in my opinion.

When his face took on that pinched look again, I knew this was something else he was going to ask me to wait for an answer. It annoyed me, but nowhere near as much as it normally would.

"Bella…"

"Fine, but know this, I give only one chance, perhaps that is foolhardy, but I have learned my lesson. Take your time and make it right if you must, but know this, fool me once and it will be the one and only time!"

"I understand, I won't take your warning lightly."

"Good, glad that's over with." I said.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You kinda just did." I replied with a laugh.

"Ha-ha, very funny. You know what I meant."

"So, ask away Jasper. I too have the ability to refrain from answering, until the time is right." Okay, so it came out snarkier than I would have liked but…

"Touché that you do"

"So ask already."

"Bella, what is with the dreams, the nightmares?"

Wow, could he have asked a harder question…

Was there a right answer, could I tell him anything and not sound like a lunatic? Did I want to tell him anything?

For that matter, did I even understand what was happening?

"Jasper, I don't really know how to explain, and even if I could find the words, I'm not sure I know why these memories…"

He interrupted me before I could finish.

"What do you mean memories?" He was angry, I could tell by the hard, cold inflictions resonating in his voice.

His anger, in my opinion was misplaced.

Cautiously I replied, "I'm not dreaming random things, they are memories, I guess you could say they are resurfacing. Although more often than not, they aren't the most pleasant memories…"

"Bella, we need to change the subject for now. I want, even need to know, however, my anger is getting the better of me. I haven't feared much in my life, but right now, I fear the words that may spill from your lush lips."

"Answer me this, why would the knowledge that my dreams and or nightmares are memories, make you so angry?"

"Because I care, more than you probably know."

"I don't think I understand it, and I fear this is another thing you are going to tell me to wait on. And I will, but remember this, I have great patience, but it does run out, and the more time I spend with you, the more questions I have."

"Why don't you jump in the shower and I'll make you lunch."

"Jasper Whitlock, is this your not so subtle hint, telling me I smell and wait, why lunch, wouldn't you prefer breakfast?"

"I can make breakfast if you want, but it's two in the afternoon."

"Holy Shit! No wonder I feel so rested, I slept the sleep of the dead."

"Well, once you crashed earlier, you barely moved and no dreams that I could tell. Maybe I'm a good luck charm…" He said it with a smile, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

It was nice to see the anger recede. Honestly, I had to agree with his assessment.

"Is this your way of trying to remain in my good graces and my bed…"

"Why Miss Bella, how could you think something so low of me!" He exclaimed. He lasted maybe twenty seconds before he broke down laughing.

"So, you aren't trying to get in my pants?" _Because, I sure as hell am trying to get in to your pants, head, and heart…_

_Oh, crap I said that aloud again… _

"Should I be worried that you want in my head, are you hoping to lobotomize me once you get in, learn all my secrets?"

Thank goodness, he glossed over the pants and heart thing…

Ticking things I'd love to do with him, to him, off on my fingers, I went through the list.

_Lick_

_Nibble_

_Kiss_

_Fondle_

_Grope_

_Touch_

_Stroke_

_Taste_

_Rub_

_Massage_

_Knead_

_Caress_

_Gnaw_

_Chew _

_Bite _

_Fuck…_

_Nope no lobotomy needed for what I want to do to him, just hours of uninterrupted time to please and be pleased… _

Fuck me!

"I said that aloud didn't I?"

When he didn't say anything, I raised my eyes from his chest. His eyes were onyx in color; I swear I could feel his lust and desire rolling off him in waves.

When he answered, his voice was deep and his southern drawl more pronounced, "Yes, yes you said that aloud…"

I didn't know what to say, "Umm, sorry…"

"Nothing to be sorry about, I assure you!"

I was having a hard time concentrating and when my eyes started traveling down his body, they did so of their own freewill. My mouth dropped open in to a perfect little 'O' when my eyes took in his jean-clad hips. His erection was testing the stability of the material.

"Mmmm, Jasper…" I whispered, licking my lips, my line of sight still riveted to his arousal, and my, my, my, what an impressive arousal it is…

"For the love of all that is holy, go for your shower, or you will not be leaving this room, EVER!"

I couldn't help it, I giggled like a school girl, "Is that supposed to sound like a bad thing?"

"No, not at all, but for my sanity, please, go for your shower."

"You could always join me, help me reach those hard to reach places, that need some serious tender loving care…"

"BELLA!"

When his hand slid down his abdomen and grasped his erection, a moan slipped between my lips. He was merely rearranging himself, but yum, I could almost taste and feel his hard flesh in my mouth!

My panties were soaked, I wanted him more than I had ever wanting anything ever before. However, begrudgingly I admitted, now was not the right time, I think...?

Trying to switch gears, to lessen the abject need to create fiction between my thighs, I said the first thing that popped in to my head.

"Jasper, the old hotel on the hill, Prince of Wales Hotel… It's having a costume ball tonight, to celebrate Halloween and to raise money for the local group that helps underprivileged kids go to camp. Want to be my da-escort?"

"A costume party, are you mad woman?"

"And why not, it's different, fun and for a good cause."

"What exactly am I supposed to wear?"

"Well, that depends on you. I'm going as a Genie, you could come as anything you want or you could come as a Djinn, kinda follow a theme…"

"Why do I get the feeling, that if I agree to this, it could be a very bad thing, but to not go could also be very bad?"

"I don't know, you'll have to decide that for yourself. I merely thought it would be a good idea to get to know one another, since we already 'slept' together."

"You are positively evil woman! What man can resist your charms?"

"I have charms? And trust me, plenty of men resist."

"I find that hard to believe. Anyway…looks like you have yourself a date."

"Goody!"

"Really, Goody?"

"Yes, why, is enthusiasm a bad thing?"

"Not even in the least."

"Good."

When I climbed over Jasper, I made sure to torture us both. I knew my shower was going to take the edge off, but, bloody hell, this man made me crave, everything…

His erection rubbed tantalizingly against my hard clit, a soft, intimate moan escaped both our lips.

"Mmmm, better get with making lunch, I won't be too long." I whispered as I leaned in, nibbling his ear lobe.

It came out on a breathless sigh, "Bella…"

If you ask me, I'd have to say it was the most erotic sound, hearing my name said with such desire, with so much longing.

xxx

The shower was wonderful. Except, I had to go and find my spine now and not do what my body so desperately wanted…I behaved…

I didn't want to, I wanted to cure the ache, surrender to the pleasure that could be had, but, after being alone for so many years, I finally wanted to wait.

The build up, to that moment, when Jasper and I finally succumbed to our desires, would be fraught with so much sexual tension; a mere look was liable to make me orgasm.

Now, that isn't to say I didn't try to mess with his head. I could have won an academy award for my non-performance, hoping that he could hear even a little of what was going on, or not going on.

Before I even made it to the kitchen I heard, "Bella, you are an evil little vixen, I think I love you."

Say WHAT!

I don't think I was meant to hear what he said next, but, I did.

"Oh, Crap, I said that, didn't I? She's rubbing off on me…Mmmm, I can think of many different ways I would like her to rub on me…"

Finally! Someone else's filter seemed to be on the fritz.

I glossed over his slip, for the time being at least, I could ruminate on it later. "So what's to eat?"

"Soup and sandwich, I didn't know how hungry you are."

"Aren't you joining me?"

"If I am going to be ready for tonight, I need to get home, shower and find my costume…" He said, as he walked towards the door.

A mysterious ache behind my left breast flared briefly.

"Hey Jasper, thanks for last night, for everything actually, I owe you!"

I leaned in to kiss his cheek, but at the last moment, thought, 'no guts, no glory' and kissed him on the lips.

It didn't last nearly long enough, but it felt like my whole body had been infused with a live wire. "Damn Jazz, it should be a crime to taste that good, I could eat you up!"

His deep timbered laugh went straight to my core. "I know the feelin' darlin', you are delectable!"

"I'll see you later." He said, pecking my lips once before leaving.

"Yeah, and I'm supposed to be able to think of anything but you, until then…bye Jazz."

XXXXXX

**Like it, Love it, Hate it? **

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	8. Hello Major!

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, **Reviews** are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

**James, thank you for being my Beta!**

**Chapter Six – Hello…Major!**

Once Jasper left, I knew now would be the best time to run out and grab my costume.

Sew-You always brought in costumes this time of year, normally, they were a small boutique that sold and made almost everything a person could want or need.

"Hey Bella, weren't you supposed to pick up your costume last week?" Nalina asked.

"I was, but things have been…hectic."

"I'll see if I can find it for you." Nalina said.

When she went to the back room, I just knew she was going to come back with bad news.

"Bella, I am so sorry, my assistant has either misplaced it or sold it to someone else." Nalina looked almost ready to cry.

"It fine, Nalina. I'm going to look around for something new, I have a date tonight and I don't want to miss it!"

"Hot date?"

"The hottest!" I said cheekily.

I looked through a dozen racks and while there were some great costumes, nothing struck me as the one.

I was about to give up and call Jasper to break the news, when Nalina came towards me, a costume in hand.

There didn't seem to be much to the costume, bust as soon as she handed it to me, I knew I had to have it.

It was innocent, yet sexy. Unlike a true Southern dress, this one I would not be able to bend over in, without the risk of showing everyone exactly what my ass looked like.

Nalina added a fan and a parasol, both were adorned with silvery lace and light blue beading, adding to the 'Old' look not detracting from it.

I decided against a hat, I wanted my hair uncovered.

"What do you think a Southern Gent will think of this outfit Lin?"

"Well, El, I think he won't know what hit him, should knock him right out of his socks!"

Whenever I used Nalina's nickname, she used hers for me, it had become somewhat of a running joke, because more often than not, we tried every form of a nickname we could.

"I think I am more concerned with knocking him out of his pants…but socks is a start."

"Don't worry dear, you'll get what you want, no man will be able to resist you tonight!"

"Only tonight Lin, you wound me." I said, holding my hand over my heart.

"Get going girly before you don't have time to get ready." Nalina said through her laughing, waving her hand in my direction, shoeing me out the door.

I had roughly fifteen minutes before I had to get to the hairdresser, but the day was so nice, I decided to leave my car in front of Sew-You and walk to the new place that opened. Supposedly, Alice the new owner was going to be looking after me.

Having barely opened the door, I was pulled almost roughly in to the room and accosted by a whirling dervish of a woman, although, with her size and energy level, she looked more child-like than seasoned woman.

Alice introduced herself as a Cullen, my first instinct was to run, seeing as how the only other Cullen I had met, didn't really inspire warm and fuzzy thoughts.

"Don't worry Bella, you'll be beautiful tonight. Just sit back and relax. What would you like me to do with your hair?"

For a few minutes there, I didn't think I was actually going to get a say. "French braid, with a few pieces of hair to frame my face."

"I can do that." Alice said.

Once she started working on my hair, she seemed to channel all her extra energy in to her job at hand. I have to say it was nice, I almost fell asleep while she worked.

"There you go, all done. I wove some satin ribbons through out, it makes it look more classy and I am sure it will go well with your costume." Alice said knowingly.

When she held the mirror up in the back so I could see, I noticed the silver, blue and violet colors she used and she was right, it looked amazing, the colors stood out in my dark chocolate-colored hair.

"Thanks Alice, it looks amazing!"

"You are quite welcome, just know the next time we meet, I won't be this quiet, we have tons to talk about."

"Okay…"

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to reply to that, it sounded almost menacing.

As she led me to the backroom to get started on waxing, I was actually fearful of what she might do.

"Relax Bella; I'm not going to bite."

'_Yeah, sure, you aren't going to bite, but something tells me, you are going to enjoy exacting as much pain from this as you can' _

"Silly Bella."

_Crap_

"Ugh, sorry, my filter seems to be broken and thinking things to myself, seem to just spew out of my mouth…"

"No problem, it makes you more interesting."

"Sure, whatever you say."

With my legs, underarms and bikini zone waxed, I was once again getting excited for the night.

Alice once again led me to another area in the salon, where she spent a great deal of time on my manicure and pedicure.

I practically felt like a new woman, when she was done with me.

"Okay Bella, you are complete. You should knock my brother right out of his socks."

I laughed, "You know, you aren't the first person to say that to me today." Thankfully, I didn't bother elaborating about wanting to knock him out of his pants.

I'm sure I'll see you at some point tonight, bye Bella."

"Bye Alice." I said, after paying her for her services, although, she must have given me one hell of a discount, because fifty bucks just seemed way too cheap.

xxx

The party started at 8:00pm, which left me a little over an hour to dress and do my make-up.

I was actually thankful that Nalina's assistant lost my original outfit; I didn't have to buy anything else to go with my new costume, so that saved me some time.

I did my make-up first, not wanting to spill something accidentally. I didn't put too much on, just enough to highlight my features, but still give off the illusion of innocence.

I slipped on the light blue thigh-high stockings, ruffled panties and the palest blue corset and garter first.

Once my under garments were taken care of I moved on to my boots. White leather that stopped just before my knees, four-inch heels that made my legs look even longer.

Stranding in front of the mirror, I had to admit, I looked good. A little shimmy of my ass had the ruffles of my panties shaking.

Before I could slip the dress on, I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in!" I shouted out of the bathroom door, closing it quickly before Jasper could catch sight of me.

"I'll be out on a few, make yourself at home."

Five minutes later, I opened the door and suddenly found myself unable to breathe.

"My God, you are beyond beautiful!" I said in awe, my breath still oddly absent.

"Breathe Bella." Our first meeting came back to me, causing me to smile.

I tried, it took a few moments, but I was finally able to inhale and exhale with some degree of success.

"Bella…I have no words…"

"Well, before you go appreciating it all, think you could do me a favor and lace me up?"

His fingers on my back were an odd combination of liquid fire and ice, it felt amazing and shockingly, he was very adept at lacing the back.

"What happened to you going as a Genie?"

"Nalina's new assistant sold it or lost it. So…I had to find something new, you're not disappointed are you?"

"NOT AT ALL!"

I could help but laugh, "That was very emphatic Jasper and loud."

"Sorry…"

For a moment, it looked like he was going to add something else, but seemed to decided against it at the last moment.

"You look stunning Bella; I've never seen such beauty before."

"You clean up nice yourself mister! You're a Major in the Civil War, right?"

"I am, how'd you know?"

"I have a special love of history. Actually, you know, there was a Jasper Whitlock in the Civil War, who was the youngest major, ever."

"Actually, I did, hence the outfit. I too love history, and spend a lot of my free time, reading up on it."

A man who knew his shit and is built like a Greek God…Mmmm

"Ready to go?"

'Not really, I'll have to beat the hordes of depraved men from you all night.' I heard Jasper whisper. What he said with a little more volume, "Absolutely Darlin'."

xxx

As we were pulling in, I noticed many of the towns' people were arriving as well.

"So who all shows to this thing?" Jasper asked.

"The only ones, who are likely to not show up, are those under the drinking age."

"What is the drinking age here?"

"18" I said then continued, "Tonight is for us adults, tomorrow will be about all the kids and teenagers."

"So who's staying home with the kids?"

"A group of twenty teens are watching them all, the kids are getting a movie and pizza night. Of course around eleven, some of the older crowds will head home or over to help. This community is big on togetherness."

"I'd say."

"Tomorrow at the large hall, it will be set up almost like a trade show. The kids stop at each of the booths, doing something for their treats; it's like a big game. Then older kids will all be going by the same booths, but more often than not, they are given a clue to help the discover what will be needed for the scavenger hunt."

"That's a rather interesting way to do Halloween."

"This sort of setup allows for greater safety and offers many more activities. So instead of having the older kids TPing houses and getting in to trouble, it is a more controlled environment. Since its inception six years ago, we've been recognized as the safest town to Halloween in."

"I can see why, it was a brilliant idea."

"The town is thinking of doing something like it for all holidays like this one. Easter, Valentine's Day…"

Throughout our conversation, we had been standing just off the entrance to the hotel. Finding myself chilled, I pulled Jasper inside, wanting to move on and get the night started.

As we walked in to the ballroom, hand in hand, I swear, it was also as if I could feel the awe rolling off Jasper.

'When we get married, it needs to be here, look at this place and the view…'

I'm sure it was supposed to be an inner monologue or whispered and most definitely not heard by me, but it seemed the longer I spent in Jasper's presence, the more attuned I seemed to get.

"What was that Jasper?" I asked, playing dumb. I couldn't allow that kind of hope to take root, at least not right now.

Clearing his throat, he said, "I said it is beautiful here, the view is almost clichéd in its picturesque quality."

"Just wait till wintertime, the snow, the icicles; it's beautiful but colder than a witch's tit…"

"I've heard, but I like the cold and when it snows, it's like Mother Nature herself, wiped clean all our slates, offerin' us a fresh start, to put our past behind us…"

"That's kinda beautiful Jasper." I said, kissing his cheek. "Come on, let's get our drink on!"

"Why Miss Swan, are you planning on taking advantage of me this evenin'?"

That look he gave me, it went straight to my center, along with the accent. Instantaneous panty dropper…

"Damn, you are SEXY, when you are naughty Mr. Whitlock…"

"You ain't seen nothing yet darlin', just you wait and see."

XXXXXX

**Like it, Love it, Hate it? **

**You need to let me know! I can't change things or add things, if you the readers don't share your thoughts AND the best way to do that, is REVIEW! **

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**Show me some love and hit that review button! (Where's my LOVE?) ;) **


	9. Public What Public

A story rec for you guys! You really need to check out SharonD03, her story, Your Choice, My Destiny is beyond fabulous! Seriously, you need to check it out!

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Would love to know what you think, **Reviews** are the best way to do that!

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

**James, thank you for being my Beta!**

**Chapter Seven – Public, What Public**

After grabbing our drinks, Jasper and I lounged around the bar, I for one, didn't want to stray too far, I knew I would be wanting another drink shortly.

"So besides drinking and mingling, what goes on at this ball?"

"Mostly just dancing, but there are various games throughout the ballroom, for those who are interested. In addition, there are prizes for the best costumes, as I mentioned before. Voting will go on throughout the night, each person who places a vote, plays two dollars and come midnight, they'll announce the winner."

"When you say games, what kind?"

"Normally they are silly ones, name that spooky tune and name the Halloween movie, quotes from movies... Snapshot scavenger hunt…Nothing naughty, it is a fundraiser after all."

Before I could elaborate more, six people were making their way towards us. I recognized only two, Edward Masen and Alice Cullen.

"Jasper?"

"Don't worry Bella, they're just my family."

"Yeah, just…I could go the rest of forever not seeing your brother – Egomaniacal ass – that he is."

"Relax darlin', I'm sure he'll be better behaved tonight."

"Why, did he have a medical procedure done in the last day or two?"

"Medical procedure?" Jasper queried.

"Ya, the one to remove the large 2x4 that was lodged up his ass…"

Five dulcet laughs alerted me to their arrival.

"She totally has you pegged Eddie!" The biggest one boomed.

"Stop calling me Eddie, Emmett!" Edward hissed.

'_Nope, definitely hasn't had the stick removed, that's for sure.'_

Their musical laughter sounded again, alerting me to the fact that I said that shit aloud again.

"Jasper, if it seems like I am going to start sprouting my inner most thoughts, smack me or something!" I said.

Obviously choosing to ignore my comment, he said, "Bella, I'd like to introduce you to my parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen, Edward you already know, the big oaf there is Emmett McCarty, the blonde beauty in the red riding hood costume is his wife Rosalie Hale, and the short pixie in the queen of hearts costume is my sister Alice Cullen."

"It's nice to meet you all. Hi Alice, nice to see you again."

"How do you know Alice?" Jasper asked.

"She's the one who made me look so fabulous tonight. We talked on the phone the other day, and she mentioned she's related to you."

"Why would you do that Alice?" He questioned.

"Because there is a strong family resemblance don't you think…?" Alice said sweetly.

I had to agree, all of them were, for lack of a better word, perfect…

"Told you, you'd look amazing and you do, love the costume." Alice commented.

I wondered briefly how she could have known what I would look like or the costume for that matter, but decided, that question could wait until a later date.

"Thank you, you look beautiful as well, nice twist on the costume, a dark themed queen of hearts…"

"Bella, it's nice to finally meet you, Jasper's told us all about you." Carlisle said,.

"That's news to me, we've only seen each other a couple times now, and met just a few days ago…"

"You made a lasting impression dear." Esme said with a smile.

I gave Jasper a withering look before mumbling, "You's got some splain' to do mister…"

While everyone else laughed, he at least had the sense to look abashed, kinda…

"Would you like to dance?" Jasper asked, obviously trying to lower the tension.

"Your funeral bub!" I replied as I took his hand.

From the moment we stepped on to the dance floor, I couldn't think of a single thing. All that existed was Jasper, his body, his arms…

Jasper's voice brought me out of the haze a bit, but not much.

"How long till we can get out of here Bella?"

"Not until after midnight, it's important to stay for the costume voting."

"That long…?"

"Aww, are you whining?"

"Yes, I need some serious alone time with you!"

"Serious alone time huh, is that different that just regular-."

Before I could finish my sentence, his lips were on mine.

It started slow, just a gentle pressing of lips, but with the vague sound of the music speeding up, our lower bodies began to join in.

His tongue swiped sensuously across my bottom lips, requesting admittance. As our tongues dueled, mimicking a much more sensual act our bodies movement together, increased.

Gyrating against one another

Pushing

Pulling

Moving in harmony, body, lips

Getting the most pleasure obtainable with our clothes on and onlookers nearby.

I was snared so completely with in his embrace, and still it wasn't close enough. I wanted, needed to be closer.

At that moment, nothing else mattered. The world fell away.

Minutes, hours, time was fluid, without concept, it was just us and the pleasure to be had.

I could tell we were moving, but the where was beyond me. The only thing I did notice, it wasn't as bright where he was slowly leading me.

When his lips left mine, I whimpered, desperate for more.

"Patience Bella, this has to wait, there is no time and not enough privacy."

"Fuck time and privacy Jasper, I need you."

I didn't give him time to argue or come up with a logical reason to not submit to our hormones.

I kissed him with every ounce of fervor that resided with in me.

My lips devoured his, each pressing of lips extracting the most pleasure I could obtain.

"Sit", I commanded between nibbles and licks.

I realized in a distant part of my mind, that we were still in a public venue, but the little devil on my left shoulder, didn't care about propriety, he dropkicked the angel on my right, right out of the province.

As soon as his ass was seated, I climbed on to his lap, our pelvises lining up, like a magnet drawn together, fitting better than the most perfect puzzle piece.

His arousal was prominent, if it wasn't for my ruffled panties, he would be seated within my warm, moist center.

When Jasper's lips moved from mine, I growled my dissatisfaction. Fearing he was once again going to try to find a reason to stop.

However, when my growl ended, I could hear his answering one.

"Why'd you stop, if you're growling your displeasure?"

"Hi Bella…" Emmett said in a singsong voice behind me.

I felt my regular blush spread from my chest up and in to my face, however, before I could do more than bury my face in Jasper's shoulder, Emmett had spun me around and in to a bear hug.

"Hells Bells chica, you were almost giving a show for free!"

"Can't breathe Tragen!"

"Didn't seem to bother you, when Jasper's tongue was shoved down your throat, tickling your…tonsils." Emmett said as he set me on my feet.

"That's because he has a magic tongue, that thing should be insured by Lloyds of London. Don't be hating on it, because you lack his skills!"

"Nice Bella, you kiss your daddy with that mouth of yours."

"Of course, he has common sense; he knows not to say stupid shit."

"Wow, baby got bitch! Remind me to run the other way, when your cockblocked and frustrated."

"If you had any less sense Emmett, you'd be half a fuckin' penny. Next time wait till the grownups are done before interrupting."

"Jazz my man, you've gone and found yourself a hellcat! This woman is going to keep you on your toes."

"And I'll love every minute of it McCarty." Jasper said with a shit-eating grin.

"Why are you here Emmett, did you need something?" I thought if I played nice, he might go away. I wanted to get back to Jasper, NOW!

"They announced that the games portion of the night is about to start, we just have to join in the gaiety of it all."

"The gaiety, huh?" I asked, because seriously, the last thing I was thinking about was games or even the ball.

"Of course, it could be a lot of fun, you should be on my team Bella."

"Jasper?"

"Don't look at me, once he gets an idea in his head, were stuck doing it. However, there is no way Bella is going to be on your team, she's MINE."

He said it with such possessiveness that my heart skipped a beat. Normally I wasn't up for that 'Me Man' shit, but he just made it all so sexy, yup, I'm a horny bitch tonight!

"I need to be…"

"There's lots of time for all that." Alice said as she joined us.

Nosy freaking family!

I'd only just met them, but it seemed like they were blocking us at every turn tonight. Family is great and all, but I NEEDED some alone time with Jasper.

"Something smells fabulous over here…" Edward said as he joined us.

Jasper's answering growl as he stepped beside me, engulfing me in his embrace, alerted me to the fact that Edward was not talking about food or nature, but me.

"Get laid little man, you so aren't touching this." I said, as I tugged on Jasper's arm, getting him to move back towards the ballroom.

"Perverted little eunuch…" I whisper, snarled. Not caring who heard me.

"Patience baby, we have forever."

"Do we?" I asked. I don't know why, but my heart sped up and my palms became sweaty, waiting on his answer.

"Absolutely, I'm not going anywhere!"

"That's really good news Jasper!" I said, and then added, "Your place or mine later, I need you, BAD?"

His deep, throaty chuckle didn't make me more gregarious, in fact it shot straight to my core. Little tingles of what felt like electricity sparking from my womb down…

This was going to be a long night…

Did I mention, I hate waiting, I'm not PATIENT!

Jasper chuckling meant I all but screamed that shit out…

XXXXXX

_**Tragen – means Bear in German… **_

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	10. Hello Talking Here

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

THANK YOU! For your reviews, alerts and faves! You guys seriously rock.

**I am sad though, I'm getting thousands of hits and numerous alerts and favorites, but only a small, select few of you are taking a moment to review. I've been publishing chapters, two sometimes three times a week, for both stories and now added a third. **

**I post so often for you guys, because I feel guilty making you wait, but it seems, most don't seem to care. While I've been getting a few new reviewers, for the most part, only the people I talk to often, seem to be the only ones reviewing. **

**I'll leave it up to you guys, should I drop back to posting once a week, and if so, should I post a different story every other day like, Wednesday for ReBroken, Friday for Fearlessly Fearful and if I have a chapter ready for Fritzing Filter, Sunday or post them all together?**

**I'm not trying to guilt people or bride them in to reviewing, but, I find it odd that even a 'you suck', 'you really need to stop writing' or 'like it' or 'update soon' takes to much time...**

**Chapter Eight – Hello, Talking Here…**

Emmett and Rose drug me to every booth, having me fill in numerous sheets of questions – name that horror movie, name that scary song, name the quote, name that monster…the list went on and on.

What occupation did Freddie's mother have? – she was a nun

What famous actor made his big screen debut in the first "Nightmare on Elm St" movie? – Johnny Depp

In the "Friday the 13th" movies, what is the name of the camp? – Camp Crystal Lake

What is Jason's last name? Voorhees

In "Child's Play", what is the name of the little boy? - Andy Barclay

Where does Andy's mom get the doll? - A guy who is selling things out of the back of his van

Another group of questions was,

"Tina honey, you gotta cut your nails or you gotta stop that kind of dreamin. One or the other." – Nightmare on Elm Steet

"They're all gonna laugh at you!" - Carrie

"And He who walks behind the rows did say, 'I will send outlanders amongst you'." – Children of the Corn

"If all the corpses buried around here was to stand up all at once, they'd have one hell of a population problem." – Lost Boys

And I think Emmett's favorite was, (I didn't bother to mention, it was my favorite too)

"Oh yes, we all float - and when you're down here with us, you'll float too!" –IT

"In vain he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts" –IT

"Sometimes, dead is bettah" – Pet Sematary

"That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery." – The Stand

`And, when the hand touched his shoulder again, he somehow found the strength to run.' – The Long Walk (Richard Bachman)

"You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down" – The Dark Half

"It's a long walk back to Eden, dear, so don't sweat the small stuff." - Insomnia

"'Jail,' the big cop said in his stuff, liquid voice. 'Where anything you bray will be abused against you in a sort of caw.'" - Desperation

"Yeah," Garraty babbled. "We're gonna be Mr. and Mrs Norman Normal, four kids and a collie dog, his legs, he didn't have any legs, they ran over him, they can't run OVER a guy, that isn't in the rules, somebody ought to report that, somebody..." – The Long Walk

"I couldn't help it, boss, I tried to take it back, but it was too late." – The Green Mile

"For want of a nail the kingdom was lost." – Eyes of Darkness

It was endearing, every time I got an answer right, Jasper kissed me, but it was also frustrating, because his lips never touched mine.

My forehead, the top of my head, sometimes my cheek and my nose, however, not where I wanted him to kiss me the most, my freaking lips!

Of course, he also laughed, hard, every time Emmett got something wrong. The poor guy thought he was a horror buff...

After that, we split in to pairs and began the numerous scavenger hunts. Most required a cell phone camera, snap a picture of what you need to find and move on to the next, no fuss and no muss.

Don't get me wrong, I had actually been looking forward to the games, but after Jasper's and my, hot and heavy make out session, I didn't possess the brainpower to think about anything other than Jasper and all the things I wanted to do with him.

When we found ourselves alone for a moment, I shoved Jasper against the wall, almost climbing him to get better access to his lips, throat and neck.

I nibbled and licked every spot my lips could reach, intent on making him as weak in the knees as myself.

"Bella, we don't have time for this, as much as it pains me to say that."

"You do seem to have a…'hard' problem on your…hands, should I help you out?" I asked, as I slipped my hand between us, grasping him through his jeans.

'_My God, you're freaking huge Major!'_

His answering laugh, although husky, told me I said my thoughts aloud again.

"Baby, we need to stop, we are just going to be interrupted again." Jasper said, almost breathlessly.

I suppose I should have removed my hand from his erection, but I seriously wanted to feel him, taste him…

When I still hadn't let him go, he gently, but forcefully removed my hand.

"You are being a serious buzz kill Jasper!"

"I know, but trust me, it is best, for now."

_Yeah, my ass this is best, we could be having hot, passionate; wall sex right now and you keep stopping us…_

"Bella, please, I am just a…man."

"Except, you are being very un-manlike…"

His lopsided smile and gentle kiss, did nothing to tame my hormones.

"You keep looking, I'm going to freshen up and grab something to drink…"

Yes, I was sulking, but if you had a fuckhot piece of man before you, wouldn't you, especially if you couldn't do what you really wanted?

I took a little longer than needed, but I seriously needed to cool down. Three quickly consumed drinks later and I went in search of Jasper again.

He hadn't moved far from where I had last seen him.

I tried, I really did, but after an hour of quizzes and different types of scavenger hunts, I had enough, I had had enough especially because of being denied once again.

We were in the middle of searching when I realized, I just didn't care if the other's got mad or not.

Jasper and I were on the third floor, trying to find a certain painting, that heretofore, we had been unable to locate anywhere on the lower floors.

He was at one end of the long narrow hall and I was at the other. I had tried unsuccessfully for over an hour to stop my thoughts from going back to that amazing kiss, but, every look, every innocent touch made my need flare anew.

I was so caught up in remembering every moment of his kiss, I didn't register Jasper's closeness until he pulled me in to his arms.

"Jazz, how much longer are you going to make me wait?"

"Wait for what baby?"

"I know it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but I need you, more than air." I said, while rubbing firmly above my left breast, where it would seem a permanent ache had taken hold.

"I can't explain it, but there is a physical ache, it lessens when we touch, somewhat and when we were kissing, I couldn't feel it at all. I don't know what this all means, all I know is I want you, need you."

"Do you believe in fate?" Jasper asked.

"I never really thought about it, really though, what does that have to do with this sudden need for you?"

I really wasn't trying to have a one track mind, however, since Jasper and I have reached a new level of intimacy, in whatever this is, something has changed.

"Don't get me wrong, I want you just as badly, I've never felt anything so strong, so intense, however, I think us being stopped was probably for the best."

"Why do you think that?"

"We have a lot that we need to talk about, we can't just jump in to this, without thinking things through."

The way he said that, made me slightly fearful. I knew he was right, I also knew that going in to this both guns blazing, wasn't the smartest idea, but I had never felt anything like this before.

Landon was the last person to make me feel so alive, but even then, if I could find the strength to admit it, there was something missing.

For twenty years, he and I shared something, always in the back of my mind, I thought, maybe even hoped he was the 'One', but since Jasper has come in to my life, what I thought and believed, seemed to have changed.

I longed for Jasper and I to move forward, to give, whatever 'this' was, a shot, but we had to be honest with each other. I had to tell him…things, and I don't know if I am ready for that. Ready for another man to classify me as too broken and walk away.

"When can we talk?"

Instead of answering me, he took me by the hand, leading me down the hall.

When he pushed in to one of the rooms, I'm sure my look alone spoke of my confusion, instead of saying anything though, he sat us on the bed facing one another.

"I guess we're going to miss the rest of the ball." I said, almost sadly.

"I'll make a donation to cover the loss they'd take from our absence. I think what we have to discuss is much more important."

The levity of earlier in the night had deserted us. Whatever Jasper needed to tell me, obviously weighed heavily on his mind.

His mouth no sooner opened, than there was a knock at the door.

"What do you want Alice?"

I was rather curious to know how he knew it was Alice, when she hadn't spoken. I was about to ask, when the door opened.

I knew our conversation was once again going to be put on hold…

"They are about to announce the winners of the costume contest, Carlisle and Esme thought you'd both like to be there for it."

"Alice, is this really important?" I questioned.

Finding myself more than annoyed with his family and their horrible timing, almost as if they were keeping tabs on us and preventing anything from happening.

Jasper's grimace, spoke of his annoyance as well.

"We'll be down in five." His voice was polite, but I caught an underlying emotion that I couldn't name.

She no sooner left than he had us standing, the next instant, his lips were on mine, devouring me with his passion.

When he pulled away, we were both panting and my waning desire once again skyrocketed.

"How is that supposed to calm me?"

"It wasn't," he said with a devilish smile, "it was to help me calm down enough, to not want to cause my pixie sister, bodily harm."

"So…now you're using me?" I matched his tone and smile, with one of my own.

"Only in the loosest sense of the word, didn't see you complaining."

"What sane person would complain about your lips on theirs?" I snarked back.

"I wouldn't know I've only ever kissed three women, including you."

HOLY Buttmunch, Batman!

How could that be, he is the epitome of sex on legs, panty-dropper extraordinaire…He even had my issues, deep-seated issues quivering in pleasure…

xxx

"Ladies and Gentlemen, if you will please make your way back to the ballroom, we are about to announce the winners of tonight's costume contest." Sounded throughout the hotel.

As we walked in, Jasper's family swarmed around us.

Thankfully, before anyone could say anything, the judge on stage began to speak.

"In third place we have Xavier Ward as Hoggle (From Labyrinth), in second place we have Rosalie Hale as Little Red Riding Hood and in first place, it is my great honor to announce, Jasper Whitlock as the Major."

I couldn't help myself, I started jumping up and down, shouting my happiness. His costume was so authentic; it really looked like it came from over a hundred years ago. He really deserved the win and obviously, others thought so as well.

When I glanced around, I noticed all of Jasper's family, clapping along with me, although, their hooting and hollering was more muted, except for Emmett, that boy had a set of pipes!

Jasper, very reluctantly joined the others on the stage, escorting Rosalie who seemed to enjoy the spotlight being on her.

Rosalie and Xavier both received small trophies and a little grab bag, while Jasper's trophy was slightly larger as was his grab bag.

When he returned to my side, I made a brat of myself, continuously pestering him about the contents of his loot.

"You are a strange human, my Bella!"

His possessive statement made me weak in the knees, instead of scaring me.

The music started up again, Jasper passed his stuff to Esme, pulling me on to the dance floor.

"Are you going to stay at my place again tonight?"

"I'd like to, but I think we need to cool off some."

I wasn't in agreement, but I wasn't going to fight him on this. I'd chased numerous men in my life and it never ended well. That isn't to say I wouldn't make an effort to get to know him better, but if he was suddenly backing off, I'd hang back.

"Whatever you think is best Jasper, I'll not fight you."

"You ready to head home Bella?"

"Whatever you want." I said, but those three words, were harder to say than I thought.

"It was nice meeting you all, I hope you had a good night."

Jasper's family merely smiled and nodded, before he led me out of the hotel.

"Why do you guys all have different last names?" It had been bugging me all night, but we hadn't really had much alone time.

"Carlisle and Esme adopted all of us... They gave us the option of taking their last name, but thought we might want to stick with our own, as a way to honor our lost families…"

"Wow." What else really needed to be said about that?

"I had a good time tonight." My voice was a lot less sure than I liked, but with all the vicissitudes, I was feeling massively unsure.

"As did I Bella, thank you for inviting me."

When he pulled in to the parking lot, but didn't shut the engine off, I knew he wouldn't be going home tonight.

It was awkward, so instead of prolonging it all, I kissed his cheek, whispered "Goodnight" and dashed from the truck.

I didn't hear his response, but at that moment, didn't really care. I was unhappy and angry, a mix that didn't work well with me, because it always led to me crying. I just knew I was going to have nightmares.

Happy Freaking Halloween…

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	11. This Could Be Bad

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I don't own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you don't know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

Clover, I couldn't thank you for the review personally, so I am thanking you here! Thank you, you are such a sweetie! You totally made me blush!

_**(If you didn't know, there is a companion piece to this story called Fritzing Filter, which is Jasper's POV, thought I should let you all know, in case I'm not on your alerts list.) **_

**Warning: This chapter deals with controversial ideas and topics, no disrespect meant for anyone, it's just a story. However, I never shy away from writing the hard stuff, so didn't think it would be right if I did with this topic. I hope that you will continue to read after this chapter…**

**Chapter Nine – This Could Be Bad…**

I couldn't figure out how the night took such a drastic turn. Emmett's interruption was annoying and ill timed, but the mood really hadn't darkened until Alice interrupted us in the room.

Laying beneath my covers, my mind continually kept going over every moment, analyzing, seeing if I could have done something different, if what happened was my fault.

My tears came quickly…

Maybe this was my punishment; maybe this is what I deserved. To get so close to possible perfection and have it pulled almost violently from me.

My eyes were growing heavy, but still the tears fell. I didn't want to sleep, not now, I was trying to fight its pull.

There was no transition, one moment I was fighting to stay awake and the next, I was fast asleep, and the last thing I remembered, regretting opening myself up so much, especially after having spent so long avoiding any chance at companionship.

xxx

How could I have let this get so far, worse, how didn't I know?

It was something I always wanted and because of stupidity and the desire to please everyone, led to the worst decision of my life.

I knew it, but I didn't know how to stop what was already set in motion.

All because of one stupid night one blatantly stupid decision…

"That was a horrible game you guys, want to come back to my place, drown our sorrows and eat our woes away?"

"Sounds good." Russ, our baseball coach said.

"Works for me." Sam replied.

"Sounds like a plan." Wes answered as a few of the other guys agreed.

I stopped at the grocery store, planning to make broiled ribs, stuffed potatoes, steamed baby veggies and garlic toast, with raspberry delight for dessert.

A quick stop at the liquor store for a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of Tullamore Dew and a bottle of Smirnoff, I also grabbed two cases of Molson Canadian, didn't want to let the guys down.

We drank, we ate, we laughed, all around, we were having a good time.

I was 20 and thought my life was laid out before me, going in the right direction, moving along so well…

Russ, who had to be mid to late thirties, would not stop hitting on me and when that failed, he went straight to propositioning me.

Every time I fled him, Sam, who was a year younger, was doing the same thing.

I was drunk and tired of being hit on every other moment.

Instead of doing the smart thing, I drank more.

It was two-thirty in the morning and Russ just had to start shit. Threatening to drive home, except he was so drunk, there was no way I could let him. I offered to call a cab, my dad, anything…

Except what he really wanted, me – sex… When I turned him down again, his answering remark made me wince, it hurt.

"You are such an uppity, cock teasing bitch! Thinking you are too good for me, when we both know you aren't and you know you want this." He said, as he gestured to his body.

I don't even remember how I got him to calm down, it was probably more him passing out than me doing anything of importance.

Thankfully, after fighting with him so long, his snoring was the only sound he was now making.

The stress and his hurtful words, spurred me to grab the bottle of Tequila I kept for bad days. Swallowing a quarter of the bottle in one breath, the burn was painful, but welcomed.

By that time, my worries had pretty much disappeared.

Thus began the pinnacle of my stupidity.

I slumped to the floor, unable to stay on my feet any longer.

Wes moved closer, his hands going to my shoulders. The more his fingers moved, the less tight the knots became. His feather-light kisses and kind words lulled me in to a false sense of calm.

When I turned to him with questioning eyes, he just smiled at me and then captured my lips with his. It was almost as if I was having an out of body experience because I could see as if from a distance, him lying me back, my clothes disappearing…

His body blanketed mine and then he was in me, his movements quick and jerky.

"You're so tight, so warm and wet, you feel so good!"

You are such an idiot I thought to myself, hoping I was giving myself a withering look.

It was fast, there was no finesse whatsoever, he reached orgasm, rolled off me, said, "Damn baby, your good," and promptly fell asleep.

I pulled myself up from the floor, tears blurring my vision as I raced to the bathroom.

It must have been an hour or two, before I could pull myself together. In my stupidity, I had allowed myself to be used and essentially, thrown away.

In my desire to feel something, to not be alone, to forget that half the team had made passes at me, at one time or another, I did what I would never do, allowed another man to debase me…

xxx

It had started slowly; I somehow managed to catch a bitch of a cold and to round it out a wicked flu.

I was lying on the floor, a week before my birthday, feeling as if I was going to die. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to move and to make matters worse and I could not keep a thing on my stomach.

My dad was threatening to take me to the hospital if he did not see an improvement within the next couple of days. I tried arguing with him about it, but he was adamant about it.

For four days, I took cough syrup to help my throat, gravol to settle my stomach. I was practically taking anything I could, just so I would feel normal.

I needed to be better, Tara was coming over for my birthday and I was seriously looking forward to spending time with her.

We had not seen one another for almost a year. We had been best friends before the move, but after I turned 19, I stopped drinking all the time, and only did it once in awhile, where as she was still enjoying partying.

Thankfully, on the second, I began feeling a little more like myself, so when the third arrived, I was all for partying.

After she arrived and throughout the night, we managed to drain two bottles of Jack between us. Like old times, we decided we had to go for a walk. Enjoy the night and the freedom that night seemed to offer.

We talked about everything; we laughed and cried, reminiscing of days longs past, both good and bad times.

Just before we fell asleep, an idea popped in to my head, and wouldn't get out. My heart started to beat fast and suddenly I was terrified, it hadn't even crossed my mind as a possibility.

"Tara, what if I'm pregnant?"

She was quiet for so long, I had thought she had fallen asleep. "You'll deal, you're good at handling any situation, if anyone can deal with this, it's you. We'll get a test tomorrow and find out, okay?" She said, he voice even more slurred, obviously on the cusp of sleep.

"Sure, sounds good, thanks sweetie."

"Think nothing of it."

xxx

The next morning came, but we didn't go and get the test. She left for home and I went back to bed.

I was terrified to find out on my own, so I convinced myself, there was no way I could possibly be pregnant.

It wasn't until the seventeenth, that dad finally said enough was enough and asked his sister-in-law to take me to the doctors. Knowing if he didn't ask her, I wouldn't go.

Poor Jo had to stop twice on the five minute drive, so I wouldn't decorate the inside of her car with the contents of my stomach.

Once we reached the doctors, she waited inside with her kids. Twenty minutes later, I was back in her car, numb, but not so numb to be unable to cry.

"I'm Pregnant!" I blurted, causing my tears to come faster.

Jo didn't say anything until we reached my place.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know, I haven't even begun to wrap my mind around this…"

"You know you have to do the right thing, the right thing for everyone!"

It was those parting words, which would haunt me for a very long time.

I spent a few hours working through different ways to tell my dad. Each time I came up with an idea, I turned back to the idea of just blurting it out, like I had in the car.

When he finally arrived home, I sat him down, sitting beside him.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Of course I do."

"Dad, I…umm…I need to…umm…talk to you about…something…"

"Sure, can you wait just a moment though, I want to change and use the washroom."

"Ok." I said hesitatingly, not sure, if waiting was a good idea.

About five minutes later, he came back.

"So, let's talk."

"Ok…" I stuttered.

"Well, what did you want to talk to me about?" He asked, after I had remained silent for quite awhile.

"I…" I laughed, "I think I forgot…"

Total chicken, damn it…

'_The one person who would understand and stand by me and I choke up like a Dumbass!'_

After he went to bed, I was left with my thoughts.

Things deteriorated even worse after that.

xxx

I discovered I couldn't eat meat anymore, just the smell made me sick.

The only foods I could keep on my stomach for any length of time were melons and Christmas oranges. I craved beef jerky, which actually helped my stomach some and anything sour was in jeopardy of being eaten...well, more, I'd buy sour gum balls, suck the sour off, and then throw the gum away…

My morning sickness felt more like a horrible strain of flu, nothing spared me from the horrible feeling and it left me more tired than I can ever remember being.

My doctor told me it should get better; just try to push past it all…

On top of horrible morning sickness, I was practically crying over everything. Commercials, movies, my dad laughing, all set me off, and then the crying would trigger my nausea, which would then bring on more tears.

The entire time, 'The' huge decision, hung over my head.

I had never believed in abortion, I understood and believed everyone had the right to choose what is right for them, but for me, even the idea of abortion was wrong…

Except, every time I planned to do the right thing by me, Jo was in my ear, nattering about what was right for everyone else.

"Don't disappoint everyone, think how the family will feel, you're going to let everyone down, you aren't ready for this…"

The more she talked, the deeper I slipped in to depression, until finally, I went against everything I believed in and listened to her.

She made the appointment, telling me I had to go for an ultrasound first, because they had to know how far along I was.

The day of, Jo said, "Don't listen to the heartbeat and don't look at the screen, it will be easier, as if this is nothing at all."

"Nothing is right or easy about this!"

By the end of it, I was once again in tears. I did listen, I did look, how could I not look or listen, that was my baby…

xxx

Jo phoned me and let me know everything was ready for the sixteenth and seventeenth.

It would be a two day procedure – like I was getting a flu shot or having a tattoo removed, not murdering my baby – because I was almost four months along.

xxx

The first day was hell, my sheer overwhelming despair was causing my morning sickness to become worse, every few moments I was running to the washroom.

When the doctor led me to the room, I wasn't paying much attention, my sobs were pretty much drowning everything else out, but the gist of it all, they needed to insert something in my cervix to expand it.

When the first part of the 'procedure' was over, I went to the waiting room. Jo was supposed to be back to pick me up, but she wasn't. After an hour of waiting, in between throwing up and falling asleep, I finally called her.

"I'll be there in ten." Jo said, sounding annoyed.

Her ten minutes turned out to be fifty-eight minutes…

To top the day off, even though I couldn't stay awake, she and my uncle decided they just had to go out. More like couldn't stay out of the casino…

They left me alone, with my seven year old, special needs cousin Nita, Ariel who was six and Cam, he was only four…I was somehow, supposed to take care of them…

Between massive cramping, trying to cook them dinner, stay awake, care for the three of them, and keep them entertained, I was running to the bathroom every ten to fifteen minutes to get sick, my night pretty much sucked.

It was so bad at one point, that Ariel felt so bad for me, that she came and rubbed my back while I got sick…

Dirk and Jo didn't bother to come home till sometime after four and the entire time, I had to fight to stay awake, fearing I would slip in to such a deep sleep, that I wouldn't hear the kids, should they awaken.

A little after six in the morning, I was pulled from my sleep because of contractions and then shortly after seven, my water broke.

The last part of the 'procedure' was scheduled for eight.

From the time I entered the room, I begged them to stop, to un-break my water, to stop the contractions. I begged the doctor, the nurse, pleading with them to see, this was the worst mistake I had ever made, that I had trusted someone that I obviously shouldn't have.

With the pain in my heart, I couldn't even feel the contractions anymore…

Someone who didn't have my best interests in mind.

The nurse looked at me sadly, but didn't say anything and before I knew it, I was waking up. The nurse proclaimed the 'procedure' a success!

"Nothing about this was a success; this has all been wrong, so wrong…" I said and burst in to tears. Hating myself for my weakness and inability to tell my family to FUCK OFF, that it was my life, they could have a say, but what I wanted mattered.

However, for most of my life, everyone except my dad, made me feel like I was wrong, that what I wanted, thought or felt was wrong.

As soon as my anger departed, pain and sadness so great and pure, hit me like a rogue wave, pushing me down and pulling me deeper.

I cried for weeks, finding no solace. I cried until I had no tears left, all that remained after that was this numb state, where I existed, but did not live. My depression had consumed me.

xxx

I awoke with a start, my heart beating wildly. I moved my face, just a little, to get my sweaty hair off my face, only to discover my pillow damn near needed to be wrung out. Obviously, I had cried a lot!

The pain of reliving my worst moment again, crippled me with pain. It felt like it had just happened, not years ago, but moments.

My hands roamed over my empty womb as my heart shattered in to a billion pieces.

I don't know why, but Jasper's name slipped from my lips on an anguished sob.

For reason's I couldn't explain, I desperately wanted to be in his arms, to hear his soothing voice and feel the inherit peace and safety, I had felt the time before, when I had been in his arms.

I knew it was all a mistake. I hadn't trusted anyone in a really long time, obviously my bad judgment hadn't improved.

"Why Jasper?" I whispered to the empty room.

XXXXXX

Gravol is a Canadian brand of anti-nausea medication.

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	12. Taking Care Of Me

**Fearlessly Fearful **

I do not own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you do not know are mine. (Don't sue me, I've seriously got nothing.)

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed chapter Eight, sorry I didn't say this in the last chapter, I rushed and forgot to express my thanks. It was the best-reviewed chapter to date. Thank you as well for all the alerts and faves you have given this story! **

**Sadly the last chapter was pretty much a bomb for most it seems, I apologize for that, but hope you understand, that just because it is a hard topic, I wouldn't shy away from it. **

**Chapter Ten – Taking Care of Me**

I needed some distance, something to take my mind off things for a while.

I contemplated going to see Charlie, but I knew he still had a week left to work before he would be off for two weeks. Besides, the idea of bothering him while he was busy, just because my feelings had been hurt and I was scared of the unknown, didn't seem like the right course to take.

There was always my grandparents place; however, going there did not promote calm and relaxing feelings.

More often than not, I left there feeling ten times worse that I arrived and it normally took a week to move past some of the stuff they could babble about, I normally left questioning how these people could call me family, with such strong, negative emotions always flowing.

I didn't watch the religious shows Sunday morning – choosing instead to read, since I didn't really care for TV – which made me a horrible person and them failures for not instilling their beliefs on me, I was disrespecting them and their beliefs.

Which is rather funny, if one considers that for most of my life, I fell in to line and did what was expected of me, always trying to please them even though nothing I did pleased them anyway.

If I chose to read or write instead of watching regular TV shows, I was being anti-social, except if you tried to talk while they watched TV, they got pissy…

It felt like a no win situation.

Out of six grand kids, including myself, I'm the only one who goes to visit them, numerous times a year, but, I'm the bad granddaughter. It was just another thing pointing out the fact that I didn't belong, I always felt out of step, like I was different than everyone else…

Gah! I need to get out of here, something bad. I needed to stop thinking about depressing shit and just put it all behind me, like I had been, until recently that is.

I packed a few items in to a duffle bag, mostly essentials that I wouldn't be able to pick up on the way to wherever it was I was going.

Grabbing my phone as I set my stuff by the door, I dialed Nalina. As I was waiting for her to pick up, I fed and watered the cats and changed their litter box.

"Sew-You, Nalina speaking, how may I help you?"

"Hey Nalina, do you think you could watch the furball's for a couple of days. You're more than welcome to stay at my place in the guest room, like you normally do. I know you hate the long drive."

"Hey doll, you know it isn't that long of a drive, but you are right, I hate it, the next time a place comes up to rent or buy here, I am jumping all over that. I can take care of the little heathens. You know I only hate the drive in winter, the roads are treacherous then."

"Thanks, you're a life saver!"

"Are you going out of town with that hot number of yours?" Obviously just dying to get the scoop, even though, there wasn't anything to scoop in my opinion.

"No, something came up…a friend needs me." I hated lying to her, but I didn't want anyone from town to know where I was.

"I hope everything is okay?" A hint of a question coloring her tone of voice as she spoke.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure everything will be fine."

"Have a good trip, I'll see you when you get back, we can have lunch, my treat."

"Sounds good, thanks again and see you soon."

I called my shop really quick, letting my manager know that I wouldn't be in for a few days and to take care of anything that might pop up and if there was an emergency, call Charlie, he knew how everything worked there.

xxx

"Be good you furry idiots!" I said as I grabbed my bad and locked the place up.

As I threw my bag in the trunk of my baby, I couldn't help but let my fingers linger over the pristine paint job. Uncle Gary had done a fabulous job of restoring the car for me.

My 1968 Shelby Cobra GT-500-KR, sapphire blue with cream racing stripes, 428 cubic-inch Cobra JetV8 which was rated at 335 horsepower (250 kW). Cream leather bucket seats in front, with a bench seat in back, also in cream.

Even if I did say so myself, my car was FuckHot, any time I drove it, the boys all drooled over it.

I stopped to gas up, grabbed a few snacks and finally got on my way.

The further I got from Waterton, the more my mind cleared. Wanting to avoid central Alberta, I decided to take the more scenic route, give me something to look at, as I drove.

For a while, the mountains faded in to prairies but as I decided that Banff was where I wanted to go, the prairies turned back in to mountains.

The closer I got, the better the view got. It took just over five hours to get to the Fairmont Chateau in Lake Louise.

It was like mountains, lakes, rivers and trees just calmed me. Of course that was always true back home too, but with Jasper so near, it didn't feel as calming, hopefully that wouldn't always be the case, because I loved Waterton.

I'm not sure why I decided on the most expensive hotel in the area, but I really did want to do something new, move out of my comfort zone.

I thought about camping for the first few days, since I always travel with my gear in my trunk but I wanted to be in the lap of luxury tonight, tomorrow I would rough it.

Thinking about one of the things in the little book of 98 things, I decided to go wild and get a swanky room, just for me.

As I walked in to the hotel, I could tell, this was going to cost a fortune, good thing I just paid off my credit card. I wasn't one to spend huge amounts of money on stupid things, but just this once, I wanted to live a little.

I paid for a room, not just any room a suite, the Fairmont Gold Junior Suite Lakeview room, a whopping $1173.59, with tax. While I was there, I made a reservation with their spa, I ordered a 90 minute relaxation massage, a moor mud bath, customized deep cleansing facial, vitamin C ampoule, thermal mineral body scrub, and a classic manicure and pedicure. I also had a bottle of their best champagne order to arrive to my place after dinner, which was reserved for eight in their formal dining room.

For an entire twenty-four hours, I didn't want to think. I could take possession of my room at four, so I figured I had more than enough time to do some hiking.

It was unseasonably warm, so I left my coat in my car, grabbed my camera and headed out.

I had been to Lake Louise twice before, once with my grandparents, when I was younger, then more recently with Charlie and my uncle Derek. Both times, I wasn't able to explore much, with Opa and Oma, they were happy to just see what was there, not go exploring. With dad and Derek, we weren't able to do much hiking, because standing or walking for long periods of time, caused dad immense pain.

This time I was looking forward to enjoying the scenery alone, going where I wanted, when I wanted to.

It wasn't Charlie's fault that he couldn't do much hiking.

_When he was twenty-four, he was working construction on a hotel, he and a couple of friends were setting things up for the day. _

_Eric was in charge of securing the scaffolding…_

_Charlie made the mistake of trusting his friend. When he went to call Eric for lunch, he stepped on the scaffold, the piece of scaffolding Eric forgot to secure._

_He fell fifty feet on to a cement sidewalk, feet first. A piece of boarding from the scaffolding missed his head by a mere inch, slamming in to his shoulder and collarbone. _

_The men called an ambulance and every ten minutes after that, they called for the ambulance, after an hour and still no help, they, to the detriment to my dad, put him in one of their cars and drove him to the hospital. _

_The doctor there – whom I might add, should have lost his license – told Charlie that he only sprained his ankle… _

_He had Eric phone his family doctor and within an hour was being transferred to Edmonton's Royal Alexander Hospital, where Dr, Daniels would meet them. _

_Seven and a half hours later, Charlie was admitted. Dr. Daniels did a cursory exam, and then handed his case over to the on call surgeon, Dr. Andrews. _

_Both heels were shattered, left ankle broke in six places, right in five, left knee broke in three places, right in four, both hips were broken, right shoulder and collarbone broke, as well as three discs crushed in his back. _

_Dr. Andrews told Charlie he was going to be in a body cast, for up to a year and would need several surgeries to fix, place pins, screws and plates…_

_Charlie was told he'd be lucky to ever walk again but if he did, by forty, the arthritis would sent in so badly that he would be confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life. _

_Not only did he walk, but after only eight months. Dr. Andrews told him he was a very lucky and determined man. _

Speak of the devil I thought as my phone rang with his ring tone, Let's Go Oilers, it was so very him.

"Hey Dad, what's up?"

"Nothing much, just got off work and was thinking about you."

"That's funny, I was just thinking about you."

"Great minds and all that." He said with a chuckle.

"Were you thinking anything specific?"

"No not really, it's been a few days and figured I'd check in. How'd the ball go?"

"It was interesting, to say the least." It had it's good moments, if only Jasper's family had the good sense to mind their own business…

"Interesting good or interesting bad?"

I needed to get him away from this topic, I wasn't ready to talk about Jasper.

"The jury's still out. You still coming home in a week, want me to get Betty to air the place out before you get home?"

That should keep his mind on other things.

"If all goes well."

"Why wouldn't things go well?"

'No reason really, just the new guy is proving hard to train. Spends more time chasing skirts and drinking than learning what he needs to know."

"You need to find someone who can handle the job, so you don't have to do the job of ten people."

"You are right about that. If Damon doesn't start pulling his weight, I'll start looking for someone new…again."

"Smart move Dad."

"Hey Kiddo, how are you feeling?"

"I'm good; I haven't received any news yet."

"You'll let me know the minute you find out, right?"

"Of course, but I'm not home so it could be awhile before I find out, I'm planning on shutting my phone off for some peace and quiet. I'll probably be gone three to five days."

"Where are you?"

"Drove to Banff, spending the night at the Fairmont in Lake Louise, pricey damn place… Then I am planning on doing some hiking and camping, may even go on a trail ride for a day or two, mostly I'm just winging it."

"You be careful, you know how I worry."

"Don't worry Dad, I'm perfectly safe. I don't take stupid chances, besides; I have to take it fairly easy."

"Ok, well, I will try to limit my worrying, love you and we'll talk to you soon."

"Love you too, don't work too hard and be safe."

I was grateful he phoned, now I wouldn't have to and I could now shut my phone off and enjoy my mini vacation.

I chose the shorter of the hiking trails, wanting to grab something to eat; I was feeling a little blah.

Within an hour, I had managed to take over two hundred photos, thank goodness for a large memory card.

Anything that caught my eye I photographed. Mountains, leaves, trees, rocks, bugs, animals and the sky, everything was just so beautiful, I couldn't help myself.

As I walked back up to the hotel, I noticed this stunning couple move out of their vehicle. They were inhumanly beautiful and moved with an unnatural grace. I could only ever dream of being that graceful, even after seven years of ballet.

I decided I needed to get something to eat; I still had four hours before I had my reservation for the Fairview Dining Room restaurant, so I chose the Chateau Deli.

I ordered the house salad and a bowl of their chicken noodle soup, choosing their one size smaller, so as not to ruin my appetite for later.

An elderly couple was sitting at the table next to mine; their conversation was both heartwarming and sad. I didn't intend to eavesdrop, but they spoke a little louder than everyone else in the place.

"You know Walt, it was great of the kids to send us here for our anniversary, but, I can't relax here, I feel so out of place." The elderly woman said.

"I know Wendy; this place is a little 'high falootin' for me too. Think we can afford a slice of that blueberry pie, without having to claim bankruptcy or take a second loan out on the house?"

"I honestly don't know dear. I wish there were prices on everything…I know the kids wanted to spoil us, but with the bills piling up from all the doctors, this just wasn't logical."

As they continued to talk, I quickly finished my meal and then went looking for my server.

Once I found her, I asked, "You know the couple I was sitting next to, I'd like to pay their bill as well as pay for two large pieces of blueberry pie a la mode."

"Why ever for?" She asked with a sneer.

"Because…that's all you need to know."

"Fine! $58.74 is your total then."

"I grabbed three, twenty dollar bills, slapped them on the counter and turned to leave.

"What about my tip?" She had the gall to ask me.

"You want a tip?" I asked in my sickly sweet voice, indicating to those who knew me, I was about to put a bitch in her place.

"Of course, I served you well, I deserve it."

"Here's your tip! You want to make good money, then act like a human being. Stop being completely self-centered and only thinking of yourself and learn how to be more personable with your clientele. Customers come here for service, not to be bitched at, if they wanted that, they could stay home."

"Also, you will tell that couple that their bill has been taken care of, tip included, you will tell them to have a nice day and you will do so with a smile on your face. Do not make them feel like they are below you, because they aren't, it would take forty of you to equal one of them! Do I make myself clear?"

"What oh wise one am I supposed to say when they ask why their bill was taken care of?"

"Just tell them, someone wanted to brighten their day and treat them, simple as that."

I stood around, waiting for a while, to see if she followed directions or slipped in to her bitch mode with them.

After they left mostly unscathed, I approached the front desk, "Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help me. The elderly couple who are about to board the elevator, their names are Walt and Wendy, could you find out what room they are in and deliver a gift certificate to the Fairview Dining Room?"

"I can't give out personal information, I'm sorry."

"No, that's fine, I don't want their information, I just want to give them a gift, so they can have a nice meal out."

I realized, I'd probably be overstepping my bounds, but I really wanted to do something nice for them.

"I suppose that can be arranged, how much for the gift certificate?"

"Put $200.00 on it with a note that says," I waited while Dave, set up the gift and grabbed a pen, "Enjoy your night out, p.s. request a friendly server."

"That would be any and all of our employee's ma'am."

"I hate to disagree, but Mildred, from the Chateau Deli, was anything but." I gave him my money and left quickly, retreating to my room. I didn't like getting people in trouble, but her ignorance would reflect poorly on the establishment.

I wished I could do more for Walt and Wendy, but sadly, there was only so much I could do, I just hoped this helped improve their night some.

Helping them out was like a balm to my frazzled mind. I realized it didn't matter what happened with Jasper, either something would or wouldn't and honestly, between the two of us, it seemed like we were harboring numerous secrets…

I made up my mind as I pulled open the door to my suite, one way or another, Jasper and I were going to get everything out in the open and then we could decide where to go from there.

XXXXXX

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	13. Who The Hell Are You

**Fearlessly Fearful **

**I do not own SM's characters; I am only borrowing them to play with. Any characters you do not know are mine. (Do not sue me I seriously have nothing. Unless you want my cats, but they are a handful on the best of days…) **

**Chapter Eleven – Who the Hell Are You?**

I was walking to the elevators when the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. It felt like I was being watched but, no one knew me here, why would anyone be watching me.

My finger just touched the button for the restaurants floor, when my finger collided with a very cool, hard finger.

"I'm sorry." I said, feeling an odd tingling trailing over where we had touched.

"My fault entirely Darlin', my apologies Ma'am..."

That Southern twang hurt my heart, more than I could say. My hand went instantly above my left breast, rubbing the skin as if I could make the ache go away or at least lessen it to some degree.

"Are you alright Bella?"

"Say, what the fuck?"

I was not sure if I should be grateful that there was only the three of us in the elevator or frightened for my life. This 'guy' seemed to know who I was, but I did not have a freaking clue as to who he was.

"That type of language is not proper for a lady."

"Ain't no lady here Mister."

His laugh was loud, booming, and oddly comforting. "My woman is."

"Your woman, what are you a caveman?"

"Trust me, I ask myself that same question all the time and still haven't found an answer." The woman said.

Shaking my head, I tried to clear the haze I seemed to be in, I needed to figure out why these beautiful people could screw with my mind. _'__Do__you__have__a__mind__left__'_, I thought to myself, or so I thought.

"You know darlin', you remind me of someone and he can't seem to stop his thoughts from spilling from his lips either…"

I was about to reply to that, but needed to get this show going and to prove that point, my stomach let out a huge growl.

"We're getting off track here, how the hell do you know my name?"

"That answer is rather long and slightly convoluted. Perhaps after you eat dinner, we can meet in your room and discuss this at that time."

Even though it came out as a question, I could feel the underlying demand in the timber and tone of his voice.

"How about we get together tomorrow, around noon, in the Chateau Deli?" I countered.

A nice safe, public place, sounded like the better idea to me. Although, why I was even entertaining this idea, was beyond me.

For some unfathomable reason, I felt like I could trust him, them. This was laughable, considering I have proven my trust ability was completely broken, hence, why I trusted all the wrong people and never trusted myself.

I seriously needed to change that or get it fixed or something, I wondered if there was a place online that one could send broken trust and have repaired, like a pair of expensive shoes. My heart cannot take too many more hits...

What was it, about these two Southern guys, who had probably never met - with bad circulation I might add - engender this feeling in me, that I could, not only trust them, but that I should do so and it would be mighty important for me to do it as well, like something hung in the balance...

'_Great now I'm talking myself in to trusting people I've just met, where the hell is my head, my common sense?' _

"We mean you no harm, we only wish to talk."

"Talk about what though, I don't know you from Adam or you from Eve." I said, gesturing to each of them in turn.

"If we get in to that now, you will surely miss your dinner reservation and you need to eat."

"Can't we speak during dinner; are you not hungry as well?" Yes, I was throwing all rationale out the window, smart Bella, very smart!

'_Wait, shit, I am actually thinking about talking to them, even though I know nothing about them, least of all their names…'_

Before I could verbalize my thoughts, he speaks.

"My name is Peter and this is my wife Charlotte."

"I'm thinking aloud again, aren't I, Gah, you must think I'm crazy!"

"You are thinking out loud, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing, saying what you think or feel, just means you are secure enough to not care what others think, since you don't seem to sugarcoat anything." Peter said, all knowing like.

"You don't know shit huh?"

Charlotte's tinkering, almost bell like laugh was infectious, I could not help but laugh with her, which in turn set Peter off.

"You realize people are going to start thinking we are mad and or crazy, if we don't get off the elevator at some point…"

"I'm sure they have seen crazy a time or two, this, won't be a drop in the bucket of crazy to these snotty, rich folks."

'_Yeah, sure, whatever you say Petey!'_

"I do say!"

'_Damn it, I really needed to find a way to keep my inner most thoughts, just that, inner…perhaps a cure-all…'_

"You don't need a cure doll, if you would just trust yourself and others and stop censuring yourself, your blurt-itis will cure itself."

"What the hell is blurt-itis?"

"The lack of a filter, saying exactly what you think, when you think it…ring any bells there Bells?"

"Don't call me Bells; only my dad's allowed to get away with that shit, you got it Peter Panda Man!"

"See, much better, although I could do without that nickname, doll face. People are much happier when they don't always try to pussyfoot around a topic, if everyone said what was on their mind, this place would be much better."

"What are you, a therapist slash Buddha wanna be?"

"Now who's getting off topic? Bella, will you allow us to speak to you later tonight, I promise to keep Peter on a tighter leash, but truly, we do need to talk."

Yeah, my common sense was seriously on vacation.

"Fine, should I call you when I get back to my room?"

"Won't be necessary, we'll drop in around ten."

"Actually, nine-thirty will be better." Peter said quickly.

Charlotte glared at him, but did not say anything to be contrary.

This time when the elevator dinged on the correct floor, I got out; leaving my two new found friends, stalkers, alone.

xxx

I found I barely even tasted my food. The atmosphere was amazing, and the way the other diners were raving about the food and the chef, I had to surmise that my food was also very good.

Nevertheless, I was too nervous, too worried and still feeling slightly off, so that was probably what led to me having my supper taken away, mostly uneaten.

The bright spot of the night was seeing the elderly couple, laughing and smiling. Their eyes however, while mostly glued to one another, often searched the restaurant, searching for something. If I had to hazard a guess, I figured they were looking for the person who gave them the gift.

I paid my bill and left quickly.

I was about to close my door when Peter and Charlotte came in bearing dessert.

"You guys are early, and you didn't have to bring dessert, unless it's for you, then I apologize." Even as I said it, I did not honestly believe the dessert was for them, my spidey senses were telling me something, what that something was, I didn't have a clue.

"It's for you; we figured you wouldn't take the time to indulge, so we had the chef prepare his specialty, just for you."

"Mind if we save it for a little later?"

"No at all, why don't you freshen up and then we can talk, I know you are anxious, but really there isn't any need to be, not really at least."

Oh Yeah, that so made me feel better.

"Have a seat; make yourselves comfortable, I'll be back in a few."

They were right about one thing, I did want to freshen up, I felt worse than I did before and I was more tired than I can remember being, in a long time.

As I was changing, I had to convince myself that I did not need to try out the Jacuzzi tub, right this minute. It was hard to do though, my desire to wash away my worries was almost impossible to ignore.

I took the overstuffed chair, seeing as how they were on the loveseat.

"So…" I said, hoping to get this conversation going, the sooner this talk was over, the quicker I could be indulging.

"Bella, I need you to trust me, I know, probably better than most, how hard that is for you, however, it is pertinent."

"Pertinent to what exactly, I don't understand any of this." Was I being hardheaded and obtuse? Yes, probably, but 'they', whoever 'they' were, were right, shit rolled down hill, picking up speed at an alarming rate and I was right in the middle of the shit-storm called my life.

"You are on the cusp of experiencing something almost magical, but choose one way over another and you risk it all, risk losing it all, forever…"

What the hell, I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a bad soap opera.

"That's what I don't understand. You are talking around yourself, without saying a thing. If you want my trust, start talking and without all the riddles and the ominous and foreboding crap!"

"I'm not trying to anger you."

"Then stop telling me everything is doom and gloom, if I don't follow you blindly. I may have been that stupid girl once, but I am no longer she."

"Do you promise to listen without interruptions?"

"Obviously not, weren't you the one to tell me to speak my mind?"

"Touché, just try to hold out if you can, please, there is much to cover and the night is growing short." Peter said with a smirk.

"I'll do what I can."

"Jasper…"

"What the hell does he have to do with this and how do you know him"

"He is for all intents and purposes, my brother. He has a lot to do with this and you know that, don't be obtuse."

"What's going on, did he send you here, was this all a setup, how did he find me?" Sure, it was rapid-fire, but I was suddenly not feeling the warm and fuzzies towards him or his wife…

"No, just listen. He doesn't know we're here, he'd probably blow a gasket if he knew, but this is the only way to guarantee a happy outcome."

"How could you know anything about the outcome of anything, it hasn't happened yet, it's called the future for a reason numbskull."

"This is where I need your trust the most, but before we get there, there are other things we need to talk about."

"Such as?" Sure, I was being snippy, but, I think I had a right.

"You are awaiting the confirmation to something, but until you get home, you won't know the answer, however, I can tell you and it is the answer you were expecting."

"What's with the cryptic guy act, did you take lessons from 'Angel the vampire'?"

The look on his face, looked like he swallowed something and it did not agree with him at all.

I needed to keep them talking, I could not let my emotions loose, because if I took a moment to let his information sink in, my emotions would overtake me. For some strange reason, I did not doubt what he said this time or question it.

Could this really be happening now, when I am on the cusp of finding the right person, if he is the right person, do I even still believe in the right person…? Yeah, that line of thinking was not going to get me anywhere.

"Bella, I know this is overwhelming but, I speak the truth. I know you have found it hard to trust since your abortion and you are fearful, afraid to let any goodness in, for fear of having it taken away, but you deserve happiness, you made a mistake, you forgot to follow your heart."

"How do you know any of this?"

"I know it's hard, but just trust me. You cannot let your past destroy your future. You need to see that your life hasn't ended, that bad things won't happen to those you love, because of a decision made in haste, while you were under such tremendous pressure."

"You don't know that, you can't know that." Yes, I was being petulant, but I had lived with these screwed up notions for so long, it was hard to break them.

His words and the compassion that lay within them, was just too much, I ran from the room.

A minute, maybe two passed, before Charlotte engulfed me in her embrace. It was hard, cold and mostly unyielding but it was one of the most comforting hugs, I ever had.

"Sweetie, please listen to Peter. You are scared to love again, but look at how Jasper makes you feel. Have you ever felt anything so intense before?"

"Maybe, there was…No, I guess not. It was intense, but after all these years, I guess I can admit, it was probably more one-sided than anything."

"You love this man still, is he what is holding you back from giving your all to Jasper?"

"I'm not holding anything back from Jasper, at least I wasn't."

"What did his dumbass do?"

"It isn't important right now, as to your question, I don't think so. Landon will always have a piece of my heart, but it was never me, it's never been me, even after all this time."

Admitting that hurt more than I could say.

For the life of me, I could not explain how he made me feel. When we were together, we were so good, but when we ended, which we did, numerous times, it sucked…

Then we would see each other again, we would talk, which led to kissing, which then led to us dating again.

It took us or rather me, until I was eighteen to sleep with him, even though we dated off and on, since I was thirteen or fourteen.

It was a little awkward, a little funny, a lot perfect and the oddest experience in my life.

We spent half the time talking, as we normally did, but with our clothes on, this time, we were doing it while making love. I had waited with anticipation and trepidation for this moment to happen and it was everything and then some, but it was also missing something…

Shaking myself out of my memories, I focused back on Charlotte.

"So, what's holding you back doll, I can see that he has you all tied up in knots…"

"Who wants someone with a past like mine? I have tried to be a good person, sacrificing myself for others, so they would not have to feel even one tenth of what I have. I have tried to please everyone, even when they go out of their way to hurt me…"

"Why do you do that?"

"Because…because I was always terrified that no one would love me, since my own mother couldn't', didn't...my own family, who are supposed to have no strings attached love for me, don't…"

"Are you really going to let other people's small minds, influence you and how you live your life? Don't you think you deserve a break, that whoever isn't with you and committed to seeing you happy, doesn't have a place in your life, that you are better off without them in your life?"

"I'm working on it. I am cutting those who have conditional love out of my life. For the most part I was moving past all of this, it's just the last month, things have been…for lack of a better term, reawakened, old fears being brought to the forefront."

"What's changed?"

"What do you mean Charlotte?"

"Please, call me Char, all family does and what I meant was, what has changed in the last month, what reason your past would have…"

I did not let her finish, it all made perfect sense now.

".GOD!"

"You got it." She said with a smile, as if she knew where my mind went.

It was like the missing piece of a puzzle finally showed up; an integral missing piece, and suddenly, I could see the whole picture. I could finally see the trees through the forest…

"Things make so much more sense now. I thought I was slipping back in to my depression, why didn't I think of this before, how dumb can I be?"

"You have had a lot on your mind and I am sure Jasper's sudden appearance in your life, threw you for a loop."

"To say the least, but with what you 'know' how can you and Peter even suggest Jasper and I try to have something…?"

"That's a long story and would be better for Jasper to tell you, it is his story after all, but I can tell you this, I believe you two were made for one another."

"You sound so sure."

I was anything but sure, but things that were foggy and unclear just recently suddenly seemed clearer, maybe Jasper too would become clearer…

"When you hear his story and you share all your secrets, things will make perfect sense."

"If you say so..."

"I do, now, what do you say, you let Peter off the hook, he's pacing like a madman out there, worrying about you and how this is going to play out."

"How do you suggest I do that, can't I let him hang himself a little more?"

"Let him call Jasper and get him out here, so you two can talk."

"I was planning on going camping; taking a little more time for me, get my head and heart clear."

"Haven't we done some of that tonight?"

"Well…yeah, I guess you are right."

"Maybe you two could go camping together, spend some time just the two of you, getting to know one another better, without interruptions."

"Maybe…"

It would be nice to talk without interruptions, finally find out what was going on, if we were even compatible for longer periods.

"Okay Char, you win."

"Okay, but you have to realize, if this works out, you win too."

Smartass, seemingly always right, woman…

"I think it is time to enjoy my dessert and then sleep, I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long one."

"A great idea, I'll bring you it, you can jump in to the Jacuzzi and just relax, let Peter and I handle everything else."

"That sounds like a fabulous idea, thank you."

"You are most welcome."

A few moments after I slipped in to the bubbly water, Char appeared with the most decadent strawberry shortcake I had ever laid eyes on.

"Woman, hand that delicious treat over, now!" I said with a laugh.

"You enjoy yourself and we'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"Okay, and thanks again. Give that man of yours a kiss for me. Goodnight."

"Night Bella."

It felt amazing to have so much come off my shoulders; I literally felt a hundred pounds lighter. Although, after eating this dessert, I may be a hundred pounds heavier in a different sense…

XXXXXX

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	14. Happy Pappy

**Fearlessly Fearful**

**I do not own please do not sue! If you like, love, or just want to know more, tell me to update! Review! Please!**

**Chapter Twelve – Happy Pappy**

I am sure if my life had a peanut gallery, they would be shouting their displeasure, perhaps even calling me stupid, like, Ernest Scared Stupid, STOOOOPID…

Nevertheless, I felt it deep inside, that I needed to take a leap of faith, I needed to let others in, deeper than the surface acquaintances that I had been making for years.

I can name the people who I have allowed close to me, on one hand and that is truly sad.

I would not say everything would work itself out, but I hoped there was a normalcy of a sort, that I could find, wherever this journey took me.

Once I turned the jets on, all thoughts of my worries left me. Muscles I did not know I had, that now screamed their soreness, were loosening under the jets talented water fingers. Everything eased with the calming of mind and body.

I was close to drifting off by the time I exited the tub. It did not take long, once my head hit my pillow.

Knowing the results really did ease a lot of my worries and fears.

xxx

The sun shining through the windows woke me gradually, highlighting my eyelids, casting them in hues of pinks, oranges and reds.

The open window let in the most aromatic fresh, mountain air. It was slightly chilly, but refreshing and the chill easily combated by slipping deeper under the covers.

I was finding it difficult to convince myself to get out of bed. I was beyond comfortable; it almost felt like I was sleeping on a cloud.

Having experienced my first good, great nights sleep in, I do not know how long, was even more reason to stay right where I was.

If it was not for the loud knocking on my door, I might have stayed in bed until lunchtime. Just as I pulled the covers back, Char and Peter walked in.

"Do you come baring gifts? Seeing as how you are entering the bedroom of almost a complete stranger…"

"What type of gifts are you hoping for, small fry?" Peter asked.

"Food, what else could I possibly want at this moment?"

"Silly girl, of course we brought you food."

"What'd ya bring me?"

"See for yourself." Peter said as he wheeled a cart towards my bed.

Char removed the lids to the numerous plates, doing it with flair. "Wow, you could be Vanna White, only prettier and with bigger boobs…I hope you two are planning to eat, this is enough food for a medium sized army."

Charlotte smiled huge before she answered, "Nope, we ate already. We weren't sure what you liked, so Peter may have gone overboard…"

"Wow, you mean the all powerful Peter doesn't know everything, I'm shocked."

"Finally someone who agrees with me, it's about time!" Char said while doing a little happy dance.

I high-fived Char as Peter scowled at us, from the end of my bed.

"Damn, I can't wait for Jasper to get here, so you two can't gang up on poor little me."

"You know Peter, they have things now, designed to enhance even the smallest of men, want me to find you some information?"

I tried to hold my laugh in, but when Char broke, so did I. We laughed even harder when he stomped out of the room, mumbling something under his breath.

It sounded a lot like "WOMEN!" However, I cannot be sure.

"Are you going after him?"

"Hell no, he needs to learn he isn't the be all, end all and I have a feeling, you'll be the perfect person to put him in his place, often. I look forward to it."

She really did, she had an evil glimmer shining in her eyes.

"Does that mean you two are sticking around?"

"YuP." She said, popping her P.

"Just here?"

"Actually, Peter is looking for property in or around Waterton. We have missed Jasper greatly and after meeting you, I could not imagine not being close. Peter and I have lived a nomad's life; I never get the chance to make friends, especially girl friends."

"Well, you have one now, for sure." I said with a smile.

"I appreciate that Bella."

"Well, I appreciate what you did for me last night, it means a lot."

"I appreciate that you appreciate it."

"If we aren't careful, we'll be a couple of old biddies, joining and rejoining our own Appreciation Society!"

I got what I wanted, another laugh from Char. She poked me in the ribs, which sent me off, thankfully, she stopped rather quickly, otherwise, I would have had reason to leave the bed…

"So…when's…?" I started to ask, but was interrupted by Peter, followed by Jasper, entering the room.

Guess that answers that question.

Stupid heart, freaking did a happy dance at the sight of him, my lips practically joined in and my womanly loins all but tap danced at the sight of him.

I'd never understood the saying, 'Tall, cool drink of water' when associated with a man, but now, I think I finally did, because even my taste buds were jonsing for another hit of Jasper.

'_Damn girl, reign in that lust and shit or you're going to leak all over the covers…'_

Three distinct, loud laughs, told me, my filter was once again on the fritz.

When the laughter died down, Jasper spoke.

"What the hell Bella?"

"Excuse me?"

"You just up and take off, don't tell anyone where you were going or anything, that enough to cover, what the hell?"

'_Well someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…'_

"For starters, you are not my father, we, well; I don't know what the hell we are. The way you've been running hot and cold, why would I tell you anything?"

"Because."

I waited; thinking there had to be more. After a minute passed then two and still nothing, I had to speak.

"Because, that's your brilliant ass answer, are you kidding me?"

"Don't upset her Jasper; it isn't good for the baby."

"Char, .Fuck?"

"I already knew Bella, don't be mad at her."

Well, that was news to me, how the hell did any of them know…I'll admit, I totally glossed over some of the knowing shit, but really, at the time, I was just happy to have someone confirm what I already thought, but now, it was kinda creepy.

It was time to get answers.

First, what did I know, I needed to stay on my toes with these crafty fuckers.

They were beautiful, almost unnaturally so

They were very cold

They were unbearably graceful

They never seemed to eat or drink

Sleeping, was pretty sure they didn't do that either

That boiled down to me knowing diddily-shit.

".You?" I asked, enunciating each word carefully, not wanting them to use one thing I said, to change how they answered.

"You might want to sit down for this." Jasper said, almost morosely.

"Hello! Dumbass, I am still in bed, sitting…"

Just because he made me all weak in the knees and made me feel all – schoolgirl, first crush like – I refused to lose my attitude. Char was right; I needed to wake the hell up.

I tried being the good little girl, - be proper, do not rock the boat, take others thoughts, feelings and opinions in to consideration – it got me nowhere.

It was finally time I let my true self out, and say screw you to the others who could not handle it. It was time to think about my child and myself…

Oh, Crap…Charlie…

I could see Jasper was about to start talking, but I needed a moment. "Hold that thought Jasper, Char babe, can you toss me my phone?"

One, two, three, four, five, six, I was about to hang up when he finally picked up.

"Hey Grandpa, how are you doing?"

"I'm good Bells, what?"

"Took you long enough…"

"Are you sure, truly?"

"Yup", I said, unable to hold back my mirth. My smile was huge, could have blinded millions, had I been outside.

It took him a few minutes to find his words, every attempt came with his throat clearing and I could hear the rustle of Kleenex.

"Baby, I'm so proud of you."

"Proud, why?" I did not understand. Seemed like a theme for my life lately.

"I may not know everything you've gone through, however, I know for a couple years, you were on the brink of giving in, giving up. Then, last year, when you came to me, with your mind made up, I could see that light that has been missing, it was back and brighter than ever."

Wow, that is the first time; I think I have ever heard my dad say more than a few words.

"So…You aren't disappointed, that I'm not married first or that I didn't go the more conventional way to do it?"

"I could never be disappointed. No matter what you believe, I know, call it my intuition, you've gone through hell and until recently, I didn't think you were going to make it out the other side, but you have."

By the time he finished talking, I was a sobbing mess.

Thankfully, within moments, Jasper had me in his arms. Almost as if I could feel the tangibility of his emotions, I felt his concern and oddly enough, his excitement too.

Whispering, Jasper said, "Shhh, everything is okay."

I knew that, these were happy tears. I did not want to tell him though and give away the presence of my guests, there was a time and a place for that, and now was not it.

"Who is there with you?"

"How do you know there is anybody here?"

"My spidey sense is tingling."

"Bit by a radioactive spider, recently?"

"No, smartass, and you know it."

I knew for the time being he would take the hint and drop it, but when I saw him next, he would be all over me, trying to find out. Silly, overprotective father...

"So, truly? How did you ascertain that I am not alone?"

With a heavy sigh he replied, "When you get to crying like you just did, normally takes you hours to even joke or say something beyond mmmhmm or yes and no answers…"

"Damn, are you perceptive, no wonder I never got a way with anything when I was younger."

"Well," he said, and I could hear the sheepishness in every word, "there is that, but the best way to bust you was to listen to you while you slept, you talk a lot!"

"DAD!"

"Hey, a single father needs to stay up to date of his daughter, who knows what you didn't feel comfortable coming to me about, especially when said daughter is as stubborn as a horse's ass and doesn't say what's on her mind..."

"You could have just asked."

"Yes, we tried that, but you bottle everything until you can't take anymore…and still you don't come to me. So I did what I had to do."

He really did know me better than anyone did.

Nevertheless, I needed us to move on. I had answers waiting for me.

Time to deflect to things less hard to explain and the reasons why I did not open up, because even I was not sure as to the real reasons, some day we could open up that assortment of problems, but today was not that day.

"You know Grandpa; I figured you'd be completely consumed with the knowledge of impending grandfather-dom, calling, texting, emailing…"

"I am, I've been texting everyone I have ever met, known or spoke to, telling them the fabulous news."

"Silly man! Seriously though, thank you for being happy for me."

"I couldn't be anything but happy. My little girl is going to be a mommy and what and amazing mommy to boot."

"Thanks dad! I love you and I will talk to you soon. I have to pack up and get out of here shortly; otherwise they will send in the Nazi maids and kick my ass out on to the street."

"Not likely Bella, but okay. Love you too, talk soon and be careful and safe, that's my grandchild you're carrying around."

"Bye Dad!"

Well, he was going to be unbearable. I could just see him spoiling this kid rotten, before it even left my womb. God I loved him!

I waited until the phone disconnected before jumping right back in to the previous conversation.

"Okay ladies and Gents, it's time for you to spill the proverbial beans, let's get to it!"

XXXXXX

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	15. Overload

**Fearlessly Fearful**

**I do not own please do not sue! If you like, love, or just want to know more, tell me to update! Review! Please!**

**Thank you to all of you who have been reading and reviewing! A big thank you also, to those who have faved or Alerted this story! (Don't forget, if you want Japer's POV, you need to read FritzingFilter) **

**Chapter Thirteen – Overload**

"So?"

"Let's get you checked out, unless you want to stay another night."

"Are you kidding, this place is expensive, besides I want to camp once more before it gets too cold and I'm too big."

"Do you have a specific place in mind?"

"Well, I was thinking of doing a two or three day trail ride but with you here, I think some place a little more secluded, might be the better choice."

"Do you have camping gear?"

"In my trunk"

"Will you trust me to find a suitable area, one that will suit us both?"

"I suppose…"

I was not sure where his tastes would run but I trusted he would make a good choice; I did not really have any other choice, unless I put up a fight.

"Peter, you know of some good spots here, why don't you and Char take your equipment and Bella's in my truck and Bella and I can meet up with you later."

"Sure, have something special planned?"

"I was thinking we could hike and maybe have a picnic, since the day is overcast but warm."

"Aww, aren't you just the most romantic…"

For some reason, their entire conversation seemed riddled with hidden meanings but for once, I did not care, I just wanted answers.

xxx

Char decided she would take my car, while Peter took Jasper's truck, since theirs was a rental anyway.

It took me longer to check out, mainly because I wanted a shower. I felt bad for making Jasper wait but I knew there was not going to be much chance to shower over the next few days, so I took the chance while I had it.

When we finally left the hotel, I thought Jasper was liable to vibrate right out of his skin, he looked very anxious.

"You okay?"

"Fine, just ready to begin…"

"Where are we going?"

"We can find a trail around here I am sure."

"Whatever works for you?" I hated how almost everything I said to him today came out like a question.

"Does your opinion matter so little?" He asked.

"No, I didn't mean it like that; I just want to get on with this. The tension between us is getting a little much."

"I understand there is much to discuss."

As we walked, our bodies like magnets, drawing closer together.

It was something unseen but felt deeply. It seemed to draw us in to one another. Like hidden cables that flowed back and forth, connecting us irrevocably.

When his fingers clasped mine, a zing of what I assumed was electricity shot through my body, directly in to my heart. Igniting something so profound in me, setting me ablaze from within - that I could not name any one emotion, had I been required to do so...

"Jasper, did you feel that?"

"With every fiber of my being"

Wow, did he know how to flatter.

For the most part, we walked in silence, a strange feeling of contentedness washing over me.

An hour or more, we walked. I was starting to worry that I would have to ask him for a break, when he finally came to a stop.

Before I could lower myself to the ground, Jasper laid out a blanket and started putting out food.

"Where did all this come from?"

"I have my ways…"

"Please, please don't start being Peter cryptic."

Instead of answering, he stood upright and then moved. One second he was on the blanket, the next he was in front of me, with his hand on my cheek.

".Fuck"

Before he could answer, the sun broke through the clouds.

"My God, you're beautiful. Why…why does your skin sparkle as if it is lit from within? It's like it is luminescent in quality…"

"Are you not frightened?"

"Why, should I be?"

"Most are, especially when they see my scars."

"Your scars only serve to make you more beautiful. Those who bask in some form of perfection are the ones who are truly lacking. The imperfect appeals to me, because in my opinion, it is much more beautiful. Besides that, your scars speak of tragedy and strength, they don't detract from anything."

"I think you give me far too much credit. I am simply me, in all my imperfection."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Jasper. Now answer me, what are you?"

"It isn't something one can just blurt out."

"Then how do you wish to proceed?" I asked.

Leading me over to the blanket, he helped me down before sitting in front of me.

"I was but 17 when I decided that I must serve my country. However, to do so, I had to lie about my age. My mother and father were both proud and I suppose the term is disgruntled when they learned of my decision."

"Jasper"

"Let me get this all out, then if you have any questions, I'll try to answer them, okay?"

"Sure."

"I rose through the ranks quickly, achieving the rank of major with a year. Men looked at me with admiration and jealousy, while the women flocked towards me because of, more often than not, made up tales."

"What war?" I was having a hard time following, because something didn't feel right.

"Patience my dear"

This time I nodded my head, hoping he understood I was just brimming with questions but trying to hold my tongue.

"I had just cleared the last of the towns and was riding back home for a furlough, when I came across these three, hauntingly beautiful women. To leave them would have been a travesty, so I offered them my aid. Trying to be the good Southern gentleman my mother raised and the good soldier, I was trained to be. As I drew closer, I was able to take note of their strange eyes, red as a ripe tomato and practically glowing…"

"What, how…?"

"Before I could do more than blink, the oldest of the three descended on me. Her teeth sinking deeply in to my throat and with each beat of my traitorous heart; she pulled more deeply from my wound, drinking it down as if in ecstasy."

He paused for but a moment and then continued. I surmise he was trying to judge how I was taking his tale…

"For three days I thought I was being roasted from within. Where as before, I knew I had veins, as I could see them faintly beneath my skin. I now knew with unfailing clarity. Each and every one felt like liquid fire now flowed through them, replacing my blood or so it seemed. White-hot lava seemed to scorch everything else. No crease, crevice or part of me, left untouched."

"How could you survive such an experience?"

"Depending on how you look at it, I did and I didn't…"

What he was telling me defied all rational thought. It was the stuff of myths and legends, of nightmares and fantasies. Not for a moment though, did I doubt the veracity of his story. The truth of the matter, it seemed almost too real, if that made any sense.

"So…you're what a…vampire?" It was hard to utter the word even though, as I said it, it made perfect sense.

"Yes"

He did not elaborate; I suppose he was waiting to see what I had to say and really, what was there to say on the matter. Vampire pretty much covered it.

"Peter and Char are vampires, like your family too, right?" It was rhetorical, mostly just me trying to sort shit out in my head.

He nodded his head.

"Was this just a joke, get close so you can feed without resistance, make the hapless girl fall for you…?" Even as I asked, I knew that was not the case but old insecurities were flaring anew. I needed confirmation this time, that what I asked was wrong.

"No Bella, not at all. It's strange, when I first me you, I was drawn to you but thought it was years of boredom catching up with me…"

"Excuse me, you spoke to me because you thought you were bored and what, the lowly human could entertain you?" Yes, I was mad!

"No babe, it isn't like that. As I learned more about you, my feelings changed but still I did not see or understand what was happening. When you left, the growing distance was like railroad spikes being driven in to my unbeating heart, it was then that clarity finally assaulted me."

"I don't think I understand what it is you are saying, although, I too feel something deep in my chest…" If someone had told me I was going to be this confused a month ago, I would have laughed, now I was not sure if I want to laugh or cry.

"Do you want me to continue or do you time to absorb what I have already told you?"

"Can you tell me about the ache, we can save the rest until later, if that's okay?" I was both curious and filled with trepidation, waiting to hear what this ache was.

"The ache in your chest, although I have never heard of it happening to a human, is the mating pull. It is how vampires recognize their other half, the mate to their soul. Some go their whole existence without meeting their mate but once they meet, they can't leave them for long, without feeling discomfort, which will gradually get worse the longer and further mates are from one another."

"Are you telling me I have no say in the matter?" That kind of freaked me out.

"No, you always have a choice; you can walk away right now, so long as you are willing to live with the pain. Bella, I was reluctant to acknowledge this mating for numerous reasons but none of those reasons are because I don't care for you."

"Can we head back, so we can get to where we are going, I need some time to think."

"Do you trust me?"

"I probably shouldn't but yes, I do."

With blurring speed, be repacked everything, handed me the bag and scooped me up in to his arms bridal style. Before I could take a breath, he was running.

The speed and way he carried me, made it seem like I was flying. I honestly felt like Rose from the movie Titanic, when she is standing at the front of the ship. Except my hair wasn't being moved because of the breeze of the ship moving, it was the speed that Jasper moved, it was exhilarating, freeing.

"Jasper, this is amazing but where are we going?"

"I figured this way was quicker and we wouldn't risk being interrupted by possible interlopers.

We lapsed in to a semi-comfortable silence. I had a lot to ruminate over but I also knew there was going to be more. Perhaps just as hard or even harder that had yet to come.

Roughly, twenty minutes later, I felt Jasper's pace slow.

I tried with all my might but I could not shake the fog that had settled over me.

"Her bed's ready, why don't you lay her down for awhile." I heard vaguely.

"Thanks Char, she looks like she is ready to crash."

"Welcome. Peter and I are going to give you some privacy but we will stay in the area in case you have need of us."

"Thanks again."

"Don't mention it, it is the least we could do, we owe you."

I vaguely watched as she dashed in to the trees and disappeared.

I felt my body being lowered but found I was helpless against the pull of sleep.

"Sleep now darlin', we still have much to discuss."

"Mmmm, stay Jasper, hold me?" I asked, a not of pleading resonating through my voice.

He did not answer but I took his silence and his being agreeable. By the count of three, I was wrapped comfortably around Jasper and drifting off.

"Sleep well love, you are safe."

I felt it too, even with all the craziness. It was a feeling like home. Even though he was cold as marble, I felt content, warm and most of all, loved.

XXXXXX

**A.N I promise, more things will come to light as the story progress's, I know you've had questions, but there is a reason I am giving you the info, in increments.. **

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	16. Possible Impossibilities

**Fearlessly Fearful**

**I do not own please do not sue! If you like, love, or just want to know more, tell me to update! Review! Please!**

**Thank you to all of you who have been reading and reviewing! A big thanks also, to those who have faved or alerted this story! (Don't forget, if you want Japer's POV, you need to read FritzingFilter) **

**Chapter Fourteen – Possible Impossibilities**

There was no transition, one minute I was asleep the next awake and very aware of Jasper. It was almost as if me as a whole was screaming for all that he is.

Now was not the time, I needed to focus.

"Jasper how does this work, you know nothing of my past, in actuality, you don't know me much at all and on top of it all, I'm pregnant. Why would you saddle yourself with these complications?"

"For starters, your past is but a stepping stone, a ripple in the water of life. I'd gladly listen to what you have to tell me about your past but anything you say, won't stop me from caring for you or falling more deeply in love."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew."

I took a moment to get my thoughts in order, trying to decide how best to explain.

"I was molested by our neighbor as a child, my own brother tried to take advantage of me, I was raped by my first boyfriend, physically and verbally abused by my second… An uncle and a close family friend thought that it was okay to grope me. I slept with numerous men, trying to find love and then went against everything I believed in and had an abortion. Then spent the last few years spiraling in a depression I wasn't sure I could come out of…"

The grinding of his teeth and the darkness of his eyes were the only change I could see but to me, it looked like he was sickened and really who could blame him."

When he still had not said anything, I moved quickly from his arms, turning my back on him and trying to decide how best to get out of here and away from him.

I knew it was going to be too much, it was even too much for me some days…

As quickly as possible, I locked down my emotions. There would be time later, when I was alone to deal with the fallout.

A single traitorous tear slid down my cheek. Igniting my anger even more, for I knew this was a mistake, how could it not. Why would someone as perfect as he, want to be with me…

"It's okay Jasper, you can leave, I understand. I'll be leaving shortly…"

"Bella, will you look at me?"

"I can't, I'm sorry."

"Will you listen to me, please?"

"What's to listen to? Your reasons for not wanting this or my fucked up situation, might I add, your reasons are probably justifiable, but…"

"Bella, my feelings are not conditional and did not change because of anything you said. I do not like or love you because I believe you are perfect. My reaction wasn't towards you, it was towards those who would hurt you, the fools must be blind and should be ended slowly."

"Please, haven't I suffered enough? I have to be strong now, for my baby, please, just…"

He had me in his arms in a second; his lips descend on mine a second after that and a mere second later, all rational thought fled.

Hour's maybe days later, his lips left mine.

I will give him this, he was FREAKING talented!

"Jasper"

"Shut up Bella! I'm not going anywhere you silly shit!"

"But…"

"No buts. Yes, we still have much to talk about but we have forever if you want it. If I have to assure you every day of that forever, that I have no intentions of running, then so be it."

"What's changed? You seemed to run plenty back home. Your family would not even give us a moment to talk. Are you willing to go against them because they don't look like they have much use for us being together or me for that matter?"

"They are my family, in the loosest sense of the word but they weren't trying to stop anything. Alice and Edward have gifts, she sees the future and he reads mind. Unfortunately, they rely heavily on their gifts…"

"So what, they saw or heard things and thought it best to continually interrupt?"

"For some reason, Alice can't see your future nor did Edward have the ability to read your mind. When I am with you, I drop from their proverbially radar and that frightens them."

"Do all vampires have gifts? Wait, is something wrong with me?"

"Silly Bella, no, there is nothing wrong with you. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say the years you spent depressed, probably caused you to build a shield around yourself, protecting you and your heart and mind, from others. As for your other question, no, not all vampires have gifts, but a surprising amount does, however most don't even know they have a gift."

"Do you have a gift, does it work on me?"

"I do and not really. On occasion I can get flashes but mostly that only happens when you are sleeping."

"What can you do?"

"I can feel and manipulate emotions. If a situation is getting heated and the people need cooler heads to prevail, my gift comes in handy."

"That sounds like it would come in great during my family functions…"

"Need a mediator during your family gatherings often?"

"More than you know… How does it work?"

"That is kind of a long story, because I should tell you about why I was made…"

"Why, does it explain how your gift works?"

"Yes, in a way."

"Ok"

"Maria is the vampire who changed me. She was a vicious, vindictive, vacuous, venomous bitch. She created me for one reason and one reason only. To help her take the Southern states, she was building an army but when she discovered my talent, she had me train and keep all the newborns in line. With my gift, I could feed them enough docile feelings, so they would not fight amongst themselves or us. By keeping them calm for the most part, we guaranteed our success."

His short inhalation of breath had me worried, like there was something worse still to tell.

"Vampires are strongest in their first year. Mariah had me cull the ones who had no gifts and those who were useless, in her eyes, as soon as the first year was up. Others were pardoned for longer periods, depending upon their abilities to fight. For my talents, I was given gifts, women for sex and blood but when I pleased Maria the most, she gave of herself. It wasn't until Peter's first year came up that I started to question how things were being done. I was ordered to kill Char and Peter but I found I could not. It was Peter who, after I let them run, came back and saved me, freed me from the hell that I had known for too many years."

"Jasper"

"Let me finish, please and then we will see if you will be the one running… Peter and Char showed me a different way of life but it was not until I met Alice that I learned of a different way of existing. That I did not have to kill humans to live, that animals would sustain me. It is not the greatest tasting but after so many years of taking lives, it does not feel right anymore. Although, Peter and Char only feed on the dregs of society, murders, pedophiles, rapists, the terminally ill…"

He looked so ashamed, I could not understand why…

"Jasper, you shouldn't be ashamed. You were brought in to a life you probably did not even knew existed, made by a woman who sounds certifiably nuts. You did what you had to, to survive. Your strength and your ability to still feel compassion, it is astounding. You do not give yourself enough credit. You are a giant among men."

"I think you need glasses darlin,'" he said with a smile.

"Pssh, I have fabulous eyesight! How does it feel when you use your gift on someone, can they feel it or is it just an instantaneous change in emotions. Can you make any feeling?"

"Some people don't know when I am working with their emotions; others say it feels like a gentle breeze, being blown within, almost like any negative emotions are being swept away... I have not come across an emotion I could not manipulate but for the most part, I really do try to let everyone feel what he or she needs to feel. No, not instantaneous, it happens gradually over seconds or minutes, it really all depends on how strong an emotion is that I am trying to change."

The more his story unfolded, the more I came to understand. Maybe this is why Char said we were made for each other. We had both lived through darkness and tragedy and came out on the other side.

"That's kind of amazing. Think after, later down the road, we can try it out on me, help me to lower my…what did you call it?"

"Shield"

"Think we could try it?" I asked, suddenly feeling very randy. The possibilities were endless on that front and I really wanted to try it out…

'Is it too early to blame pregnancy hormones for my suddenly raging libido…?'

"Bella!"

"Oh crap, can you just pretend I didn't say that?"

"I can but my dick can't."

My giggles were too hard to cover up…

"Crap, can we pretend I didn't say that?" he asked, looking sheepish.

"Hell no"

"We need to get back on topic."

"True, party pooper…"

"Bella"

"Sorry, what about my baby?"

"Ever since I woke to this life, the only thing throughout the years that I regretted was that I would never have a family. When you are denied something so profound…"

"But he or she won't be your blood."

"No, but that doesn't mean I could love him or her any less. They are a part of you that is what truly matters."

"Jasper, that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me but you can't know for certain, nothing is absolute."

"Are you scare or are you pushing me away because you don't want this, me?"

"Not at all but I think we should take this one day at a time. There is no need to rush. Can't we start with dating and see where we go from there?"

"That sounds reasonable but I can promise you now, that there is nothing that will take me away from you, ever."

"I want to believe, I truly do but it might take some time, are you okay with that?"

"Yes, if nothing else, we have time. Although, I should tell you, now that we have both, for all intents and purposes, accepted our mating, the pull is going to get more intense."

"So, how do we go about calming it?"

"Spending time together will help but I fear you will feel the pull the most at nights. It isn't a long time but for those who are mated; it feels like an eternity to be separated."

"Okay…wait, are you suggesting we move in together, isn't that a little fast?"

"Fast, yes but…I want to be there for you, for all the ups and downs of your pregnancy. When you get sick, when you have cravings, when you need a shoulder to cry on because your hormones are making you a weeping mess and most especially when those same said hormones are making you a pile of horny Bella…"

"Jasper, bite me, you just want to be close so you can get in to my pants as often as possible."

"Bella, did you just tell me to bite you?"

"Oops, I guess I did…"

"You are such a dork but a lovable dork."

"Jasper, how do vampires date?"

"Honestly, I don't know, I've never dated before, not while human or vampire. It will be a learning experience for me as well."

His voice was starting to take on a foggy quality; I knew it would not be long before I drifted off to sleep.

I had something witty to say but Jasper's sudden humming was dragging me below the tides of sleep, gently causing me to drift further.

"What are you humming? I asked as I moved back in to his arms.

As he laid us down, he answered, "Just a song I heard on the radio on my way here, it reminded me of us and it's called, Couldn't Love You More."

"It sounds beautif…"

XXXXXX

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	17. Questions and Answers

**Fearlessly Fearful**

**I do not own please do not sue! If you like, love, or just want to know more, tell me to update! Review! Please!**

**Thank you to all of you who have been reading and reviewing! A big thanks also, to those who have faved or alerted this story! (Don't forget, if you want Japer's POV, you need to read FritzingFilter) **

**Chapter Fifteen – Questions and Answers**

It seemed to take forever to wake up. I was so comfortable; I did not want to move. I just wanted to bask in the knowledge that for right now, all was right in my world, well, mostly…

"I know you are awake, when are you going to open those beautiful eyes and say good morning?"

"Are you kidding me, I slept most of the day away and the night?"

"No, it's just after eight; I was just playing with you. Obviously you were tired and needed the rest."

"There was a lot of information to take in. Did any of you vampires remember food for the human?"

"We did, Peter actually stopped by about ten minutes ago with a hot meal from one of the restaurants in Banff.

"Can you give me a moment to get out of these clothes and I'll join you outside in a few?"

"Sure, I'll get a fire going to, so the 'human' doesn't get cold."

"Sounds good."

While I changed, I could hear Jasper puttering around. I didn't know if I would sleep again or rather, any time soon but that didn't stop me from getting in to comfy clothes.

By the time I joined Jasper, he had my meal set out and a nice cold drink.

"How do you guys know what I like?"

"I think for the most part, it's just guessing."

"Almost as if you have a seer or mind reader on your side" I said jokingly.

"I see someone's sense of humor has returned."

I chose to ignore that comment. I did not actually think my sense of humor had gone anywhere; it was just taking a much-needed break.

"So, is there anything else vamp related that I should know?"

"There are lots of things but you don't have to get it all at once."

"Well, what do you remember about your past, are there any rules and if so, who enforces them?"

"Sadly, I don't remember much about my human life. My strongest memories are of my baby sister, my dad's firm but strong manner and how my mother always smelled of vanilla and cherry blossoms."

"Those are two of my favorite scents. What do you remember of your sister?"

"She was a trouble maker, almost from conception. She had to have things her way, I remember that, very clearly but she didn't scream or cry to get her way, she just gave you these eyes and the trembling lower lip and she got whatever she desired. Even when my mom was pregnant, she would crave something and blame it on my sister…"

"What was her name?"

"I don't remember…I know it started with an L but other than that, I'm blank."

"I'm sorry Jasper that must be so hard."

"Not your fault. As for rules, there really is only one – don't tell anyone – all other rules follow that one. Those who enforce the rule, that would be the Volturi, they have ruled for thousands of years."

"Are they 'good'?"

"Some would say they are, others would classify them as the anti-Christ…"

"What would you call them?"

"I've never met them but there are stories of their hunger for power and warmongering ways."

"That sounds very ominous."

"Carlisle used to live with them. He left because he could not handle their feeding practices. However, I suppose they have done good as well. Our secret is still safe; we are not being hunted to extinction, just because of what we are…"

"You told me your secret, will there be repercussions?"

"If the Volturi were to find out, yes but the likelihood of that happening is slim."

"I almost wish you wouldn't have told me now, I don't want anything to happen to you!"

"Don't worry, nothing is going to happen. Just don't go screaming my secret from the mountain tops and we should be okay."

"Is there a way around the secret?"

"Yes, I could tell you, if I am going to make you a vampire. Although, I don't think the Volturi would like for that process to take months or possibly years…"

"Overloading again for the moment, topic change…Do you have an animal preference?"

"Not really, although carnivores taste slightly more palatable... Do you mind if I ask you about a few things."

"No, I want to share my life with you, I don't want any secrets."

"You mentioned to your father that you used unconventional means, what were those and what made you decide to use them?"

It was almost funny, he seemed so unsure of himself, his question almost clinical.

"I went with random donor, artificial insemination. My reasoning was simple. I wanted to be a mother. No matter what I have gone through, that was always something I wanted to do, be…"

"I'm not trying to hurt you, please know that but if you desired motherhood so much…?"

I knew what he was getting at and while my first reaction was to take it personally, I knew he wasn't trying to take a cheap shot.

"Why did I have an abortion? It was the worst mistake of my life. What you need to understand, my entire life, I have felt like a failure. That even my family's love was conditional, that sooner or later, I would do something that would cause them to abandon me."

I took a deep breath before continuing.

"I know it is stupid, that conditional love isn't any type of love I want in my life but it took until last year for me to find the girl, the woman I was always meant to be. It is because of that epiphany that I decided waiting for the right guy to come around was silly."

"So, your epiphany finally alerted you to the fact that you do in fact matter?"

"In a sense yes but I also discovered that I didn't need the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 children, the cat and the dog. I could be a great single parent, a great mom."

"How bad was your depression?" Jasper asked me.

"It was very bad, for awhile I was nothing but fake smiles, an act that was slowly becoming reality. I ate, barely, I lived, just at that, I was waiting for an ending to the complete darkness that had overtaken my life. It wasn't until Charlie's health scare that I finally started to see a way out of my own, ready-made hell."

"It is obvious you have been through more than any one being should ever have to go through. No one can fault you for being a people pleaser. That being said, I am happy the new Bella has found her spine again. I'm sure you have setbacks like anyone else but for your strength to persevere even in the face of such diversity, speaks deeply of your heart and determination."

"You flatter me Jasper. Nevertheless, I will continue to fight to better myself, to atone for all my mistakes and faults. I'll never forget my past and what brought me here but for once I am ready to take the power away from the past and grab my goals and dreams with both hands."

"If you understand all this, why were you going to see Edward?"

"Having my past reawaken in living color, seemingly without any cause, had me worrying but now with understanding, comes acceptance. My past wasn't going to magically change but with all that was wrong, there were still moments of greatness."

It was not easy talking about this but it seemed to get a little easier the more I came to understand, the more I came to accept.

"So last year, I started to awake the me I had buried. I rose as if from a pyre, ready to live again. Even I know there will be days when I doubted everything; however, I also knew there would be many more days that I felt comfortable in my own skin."

"We don't have to continue or if you need a break…"

"I'm good. I was ready to give up on men when you walked in to my life…"

"Are you still thinking about resuming therapy?"

"That was my intention but I will not see your brother, that man-child doesn't understand life, I don't see how he could possibly help me or anyone else."

"You might be right. He doesn't understand much, even though he's been a vampire since 1918…"

"Do I need to know anything about them?"

"Carlisle and Esme are good people but they take the parental routine a little far. Although, I will admit Edward could use an even firmer hand…"

"How so?"

"Edward has never worked for anything in his life. We matriculate a lot, so we can stay in the same place longer. Carlisle should have had him take a spin in the real world, long before this."

"The rest of you have lived in the real world?"

"For the most part. Rose had a different experience but I'll allow her the courtesy of telling you her own tale."

"Jasper, how do you know this is going to work?"

"You are quite the conversational gambit tonight."

"Sorry…I know my mind is all over the place, is it too soon to blame hormones?"

"Probably" He said with a laugh. "You don't like relinquishing control do you?"

"I wouldn't say that. I don't always have to be in control but I do feel a modicum of safety when I know how things will go. It is why I don't really have close friends."

"So your fear is from a sense of having no control?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Be patient with me, I'm trying to break my bad habits."

"So long as you promise to be patient with me as well. No relationship is ever without its bumps but I believe we can accomplish a lot if we just lean on one another."

"You may be right." I said with a smile.

"You getting tired?"

"A little, which is odd considering how long I slept earlier."

"Finish eating and the we can go lay down."

"I still have a bazillion and one questions though. Don't you have numerous ones as well?"

"I do but we have time."

"Will we though, when we get home, your family is always interrupting."

"Yes, I promise. My family understands that they won't be bothering me."

"How can you be so certain?"

"As soon as I acknowledged our mating, I informed the family that unimportant interferences would not be tolerated."

"You don't have to do that, they are going to hate me now more than ever."

"Not at all, they understand."

As I put the last morsel of food in to my mouth, Jasper had me in his arms and then seconds later, in bed.

"You won't be able to do that much longer."

"Why not?"

"From what I remember, any fast movement plays havoc with my morning sickness."

"That makes sense and here I thought you were going to babble nonsense about being too heavy."

"You think I'm going to be too heavy?"

"Oh yeah, a whale babe!"

"Careful, I hear hormones are a great excuse to commit murder…"

"You'll find it difficult to kill me."

"That confident in your skills or something we haven't covered yet?"

He didn't bother to answer, instead, he captured my lips with his but just before hey touched, he whispered 'Yes'

"Cocky bugger. Good thing the new me is looking to stay, otherwise I'd never be able to keep you in line."

"Who says I need to be kept in line?"

"You, your entire being screams 'trouble maker'…"

"I think we need to work on your kissing technique."

"Why?"

"I'm still much too full of curiosity. A great kiss…well, it should shut down all thoughts, except those stuck on lust, desire, passion and the like…"

"Cheeky aren't we?"

"Always, you'll learn."

"I look forward to it."

Conversation began to lag, now ask me if I care.

"Practice makes perfect you know…"

"Indeed, shall…"

I cut him off with a simple kiss, which did not stay simple for long.

His tongue moved with mine. Giving and taking in equal measure. Our tongues almost so in sync, had anyone bore witness, they would have called it a choreographed master piece, I am sure.

"Was that better Madame?"

"A little, I think you need more work though."

"Excuse me, I've been kissing for over a hundred years. Perhaps you are the one in need of some direction."

"Cocky aren't you?" I threw back at him.

"Just a little."

"Put your skills to the test then!"

"How do you suggest I do that?"

"I don't know, they are your skills after all. Show me what you got."

"If I did that, you'd want more and I'm not sure you are ready for that yet."

"More, really…? I think I might have to call your bluff."

All I really wanted was his lips on mine again, he really was a fantastic kisser but he was right about one thing, we weren't ready to take that step, just yet…

"Let me in fully, let me use my gift and then you can tell me if I'm lacking."

"How will your gift help make you a better kisser?"

"Let me in and I can show you."

"How do I drop something I wasn't even aware of?"

"What does it feel like when you lock yourself down?"

"I don't know. I didn't honestly think I was blocking people, I just thought I was emotionally cut off."

"Let me try my gift on you and see if you can even feel it."

I didn't have to wait long, whatever he was sending my way felt as if fingers were dancing over my skin, it almost tickled.

"Feel anything?"

"It feels like you are touching me, with the barest of touches, it almost tickles."

"This may take some time; we can work on it though."

"So, enough talking?"

"Sick of my voice already?"

"Not in the least but I want you to do something else with those luscious lips…"

I didn't need to ask again.

Our bodies flush against one another, almost perfectly aligned.

This kiss started slower than the others but picked up in intensity very quickly.

His hands stayed PG but his lips were hitting triple X. I had never been so close to such unimaginable pleasure, as I was in that moment.

My lower body seemed to have a mind of its own, grinding, undulating against his lower body and quickly growing erection.

I felt like my lust had suddenly tripled, almost as if every nerve dedicated to pleasure was alight.

Just when I thought this kiss could not get better, it did. His tongue moved with purpose, mimicking the act that I really wished we were engaged in.

I began moving my lower body with more purpose. I ground against him twice more, when fireworks seemed to explode behind my eyes, directly in to my brain.

I had barely regained a fraction of my mind when Jasper moaned deeply in to my mouth.

His stomach muscles clenching and dick twitching signaled his own orgasm. It was so bloody sexy it set me off again. When he nibbled on my clavicle, second orgasm intensified.

".GOD! Jasper, I can't breathe, I can't feel my legs!"

"Good enough kiss?" Even he sounded shocked and out of breath.

"Good enough? Are you kidding me, I think I just died and gone to heaven. I apologize you have MAD skills. You can kiss me like that anytime Major!"

"I've never felt anything so intense before."

"Were you using your gift somehow?"

"No, I had to block what you were feeling; otherwise I would have embarrassed myself, being a minute man…"

"Wow! I suppose I should apologize but after two orgasms like that, I'd be lying!"

"Don't apologize, that was phenomenal! "

XXXXXX

**The next update will probably be late again but… only because this computer is starting to act up again, so over then next week or two; I am going to be looking in to getting a laptop. Which will make the writing thing so much easier to do, especially from a warm bed or a hot bath! Hope you guys will bear with me for the time being.**


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